For today's therapy session, I'm actually going to use someone else's blog, @lavonne . This is her entire blog on self-love. When I had initially read the blog, my immediate reactions to a lot of what she said were reactions of confusion and a bit of anger. However, upon further digestion of the words written, I have come to the conclusion that the main point she is trying to get across, is one of utmost importance and something that I think perhaps should become a focus of future therapy sessions.
Let me start out with the following quote from the blog:
Forgive yourself of everything you think you've done wrong. Everything you think is wrong with you.
Forgive yourself of everything you aren't that the world has told you you should be.
You are enough. You are only human, like everyone else. Have the same compassion you have for others, for children, for friends.
The way that I interpret the word 'forgive' in my life, is that it means showing respect/compassion/understanding towards an individual or situation in which something wrong has been done. You slap me in the face, and I in turn understand what compelled you to do it, I understand what your current situation is, as so I forgive you for doing that. Very simple and harsh example. However, in the context of the blog, I am the one who has been doing something wrong. My initial reaction to this was, "oh, I'm at fault for abusing me? I'm at fault for making fun of me? I'm at fault for rejecting me?" But then upon further examination, I don't think she is saying anything even remotely close to that. What I think she is saying is, forgive yourself for wasting your time trying to live your life, trying to examine who you really are, by other people's standards. You are enough! I am enough and in fact the most important factor when determining who I really am and how I need to map out how I'm going to live the remainder of my life. I don't need to listen to what else someone says I should do with myself, and people generally speaking, do much better when it comes to 'what other people should do with their lives' as opposed to how they should live their own.
Remember to be grateful. Be grateful for your life, your body, your experiences. The terrible things that make you strong and wise, and the beautiful things that make it worth being alive.
This is in fact another goal of what I want out of this life. To use my past experiences, as a stepping stone to something much better. To view my past as merely the road that I had to take in order to get to the top.
The one thing that I want to discuss however, and I wish @lavonne was here to discuss this with me, is what about the 'need to be loved'? Is this in fact a need? Living a life where I don't need to be loved by someone other than myself, seems so far fetched an idea. However, I'm wondering, if I could accomplish the goal of self love, if I could get to a situation in my life where I actually don't need anyone else to love me, then would that in fact feel better than being loved by ten thousand people? Acceptance by society is something that I have longed for an awful amount of time. What @lavonne's blog is in fact telling me, is that you don't need to be accepted by society because you in fact are enough.
Regarding goals, it's been a failure by the most part. I have not exercised in more than a week, I feel so unmotivated and so lazy and to top it all off, I"m eating a lot. Not really junk food or soda, but just eating a lot. It was discovered a few sessions ago, that the way I dealt with stress as a child, was by eating. I have since determined that this is in fact just a habit, and can be changed. Why then does this fucking depression have to settle in and overtake my body and cause me to not even want to try? For some reason, I don't necessarily feel bad about this. For some reason, I actually feel as though my self-perception has improved. For some reason, I have not turned to gambling either. For some reason, I can actually feel changes going on in my thinking. Why? Whats the point of all this if I am going to continue doing self destructive things?
