I've been carrying you inside me for so many years, that a lot of the time it feels as if it's you who is me and I am just an outside observer. All these things that I want to accomplish in life, you block them out and act like they are stupid insignificant visions that are not achievable because you are the master, and you do not approve of them. Yeah, I say a lot of stuff like "oh how I'd love to change," or "I am on the right path" but you snicker and laugh at me because you know in the end, you will win.
All I want to tell you is that I don't care if I live or die, what matters to me is that I live or die without you. I did a self-exclusion today. I know I've done it in the past, and how that really pissed you off because you sent me three hours into the middle of nowhere Delaware so that I could buy your bullshit. I know that the self exclusion didn't work. I know that the percentages are against me. I know that my own track record of believing in myself instead of you, are pretty bad. I know all these things, and yet I still did it. I still have not gone to the gambling place, and I still did the self exclusion, while acknowledging that I'm probably going to fail and give into you, I still feel a tad bit more hopeful that I can get rid of you.
I feel as if I've been involved in a war, not fighting, but crouched in a fetal position with my hands over my ears trying to avoid bullets and bombs, and there's so much loud noise and chaos everywhere and all kinds of shit flying around. And yet, I am starting to open my eyes, and see that while there was a war, it ended over fifteen years ago and that there are no bullets, no bombs, but that this loud noise I'm hear ing is from my own two fists punching my face. This is what you love to do to people right? Make them believe that they are worthless, and leave them in their own imagination trying to fight demons with no one to help them at all. Here's the thing though, and I know you know this but don't want to admit it, I actually have someone to help me fight the demons now. I know that this battle can be won. It might not happen tomorrow, or next week, but I just feel kinda hopeful for a change, that it might be possible. It might actually happen, where serenity will enter my body, even if it's for a day or two, it doesn't matter. What matters is that I have the chance to feel that feeling. To know what it feels like to be free.
One last thing before I let you go, cause as of right now, you can't touch me. I am beginning to realize, that you aren't in fact a monster. That would be giving you too much credit. You're just a bunch of habits, and you know what people do to habits they don't like? I know you do.
Ok, so, regarding the self exclusion. I am not going to put a lot of hope into this. I am not going to declare or promise that I'm done with gambling. What we need to do is lots of homework, and lots of goals. I don't know if this makes any sense, but I feel as though we need to act quickly. What I did with the self exclusion was, I threw a punch directly at the monster/inner voice...........now the goal is to make it hurt. Needless to say, I did not accomplish any of my goals because I was too busy placing bets. I still have no desire to go back to the gambling place, but doing the self exclusion was not thought out at all. It was a knee-jerk reaction because I said fuck this shit, I now have to tell my therapist that I didn't do any of my goals because I was busy gambling. I did it out of anger and frustration. My brain was too occupied with this. I actually wanted to bring it up last week, but I was so scared, I felt like I would be creating a giant void in my life. Well, in fact, I kinda have created a big void. Keeping myself occupied will indeed be difficult, but that's why I suggest lots of goals for next session.
The other thing I want to mention about this, is that I have done this before, and the result was disastrous. I ended up to the point where I would drive three hours just to go gambling, but more horrifying is that I ended up trying to commit suicide. I'm very scared by that. It's not that I feel suicidal right now, but that I know what I'm capable of doing. My life right now, with gambling, is nowhere near the rock bottom that it was six years ago. However, yesterday, I did a fantastic blog about some people on this website, and realized, all these people have something that they are passionate about and are good at, I should try and do the same. I can't find any hobbies I'm good at, or at least, I can't practice any hobbies I want to do while at the same time be gambling. So, I am sort of declaring, that this is rock bottom. I can't proceed to make any progress on myself while still giving in to this addiction.
