sertraline

Being able to love and be loved is in my opinion the best of all things someone can get and do. Yea, there's lots of bullshit games and stuff involved, but in general, I think it's what we're supposed to do . I feel very indifferent about the fact that I have no one to love. I do feel however very embarrassed and ashamed that I have had such difficulty in trying to read people and being misunderstood about the subject. It's idiotic for me to feel this way but that's what I'm doing this very minute. I mean christ, I waited years upon years to lose my virginity to some fat bitch whom I don't even remember her name. Why did god make me wait so fucking long and give me all these problems with love? I don't get it. Therefore, if I had the means to...today I'd put a gun to my head and fuck you all. Fuck you all because it's so easy for you to have had this and so hard for me. I deserve a lot better in this part of life. I whole lot better. I'm not so sure about what to do about it though. There's definitely a lot of things wrong with me. I need therapy. I'm so not proud of the fact that the woman who will fuck the entire army, will not fuck me because I'm such a good person, she feels ashamed about herself and her decisions when I'm the only one who shows her respect, so she will not give me a piece. It's very embarrassing period. I'm so certain though that what I must do is translate this into "I'm the best person a human being can ask for" because I don't play games, I'm clean, and very naive. I'm also more convinced that when someone does show attraction to me, I need to pounce on it like a prostitute on a $100 bill. I don't care, maybe it was for only three days, but this german chic drove me fucking nuts and was always looking at me. Maybe it was cause I was the only dude there I dunno. I hope I get the chance to even have a chance with her. I should make that my goal huh? I've also become more 'involved in a non romantic way' with one of the girls here. She has a reputation for being a whore, and I know lately she's regret it. I've told her a billion times about my fellow greeks and how arrogant they are and how they only want one thing and I think she's starting to get it which makes me very proud of her.

*update* so I lost all my money and now have no Napa to look forward to although honestly, I think I kinda played it up too much. I pretty much don't care anymore, I just want to go home and look for a job. I also need my gamblers anonymous book ASAP and I lost the godamned thing......ugh