I was training at another facility the other day and one of the guys started playing a porno of Jenna Jameson. I've heard of her for years but I never bothered to actually see her and I'd say she's pretty hot, but just by listening to the moaning, I felt horrible for even wanting to watch porn. I'm basically getting off to someone elses problems, problems which are very similar to mine and I was disgusted with myself. edit...sitting at internet cafe for over three and a half hours, I went out with some other friends for coffee earlier, got it out of the way, now I'm all alone, spending money away with nothing to do or no reason to do it. This fascination with death has taken over me and I want to feel what it feels like, do you have reason? Do you cease to exist? What are you supposed to believe and why are you given free will to believe whatever you want?
Being alone hurts....period...it sucks, it shouldn't happen to anyone and yet it does...myself included, although I'm really not alone..I have no one to kiss, cuddle with, hug...etc and I hate it when I think about these moments in life.
final edit for tonight. I've eaten so much food, I'm going to be sick. I'm nervous, anxious, depressed, hopeless and hopeful at the same time. The Greek military decided from the second I enlisted to make me a deserter and now I have no idea when my service will end or how much I will have to pay. I've actually thought about just leaving the goddamned country and moving straight to Germany but then I think about how Greece would be the second time I've left a country because I couldn't handle life. Thats why life's a fucking bitch, because you're given the ability to make decisions about the rest of your life when you're young, but because you're clueless on how things operate, you fuck up. Unfortunately, I've realized this lesson way too late. I am fortunate in that I still have a bit of time to start over and move but it's so hard not to think about regret and what could have been if I had only known. I'm very glad that I have found the ability though to view these situations as journeys rather than problems because it was getting a bit old thinking of how I'd just kill myself rather than tackle the problem. Anyway, right now whats on my mind is my brief german friend with who I seem to be in love with. Of course I haven't even hinted that this is how I feel about her because I've learned from my past that patience is key and its just not the right time. I just look in her eyes and I just get this feeling of "hey, she's the path I need to take to be the person I need to be" type feeling.
Being alone hurts....period...it sucks, it shouldn't happen to anyone and yet it does...myself included, although I'm really not alone..I have no one to kiss, cuddle with, hug...etc and I hate it when I think about these moments in life.
final edit for tonight. I've eaten so much food, I'm going to be sick. I'm nervous, anxious, depressed, hopeless and hopeful at the same time. The Greek military decided from the second I enlisted to make me a deserter and now I have no idea when my service will end or how much I will have to pay. I've actually thought about just leaving the goddamned country and moving straight to Germany but then I think about how Greece would be the second time I've left a country because I couldn't handle life. Thats why life's a fucking bitch, because you're given the ability to make decisions about the rest of your life when you're young, but because you're clueless on how things operate, you fuck up. Unfortunately, I've realized this lesson way too late. I am fortunate in that I still have a bit of time to start over and move but it's so hard not to think about regret and what could have been if I had only known. I'm very glad that I have found the ability though to view these situations as journeys rather than problems because it was getting a bit old thinking of how I'd just kill myself rather than tackle the problem. Anyway, right now whats on my mind is my brief german friend with who I seem to be in love with. Of course I haven't even hinted that this is how I feel about her because I've learned from my past that patience is key and its just not the right time. I just look in her eyes and I just get this feeling of "hey, she's the path I need to take to be the person I need to be" type feeling.