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sertraline

Member Since 2010

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Tuesday Aug 09, 2011

Aug 8, 2011
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I woke up today 97.7. Haven't done anything workout wise and I'm putting it on hold for now cause I think I'm going to the beach for a couple weeks so I just want to mentaly prepare myself for that so that I can enjoy it while it lasts. But also, today's reading from one day at a time is probably the most important thing I"ve read so far. Quote "On numerous occasions, I've found that there's a strong connecton between my fears and my resentments. If I secretly fear that I'm inadequate, for example, I'll tend to resent deeply anybody whose actions or words expose my imagined inadequacy. But it's usually too painful to admit tath my own fears and doubts about myself are the cause of my resentments. It's a lot easier to pin teh blame on someone' elses "bad behavior:" or "selfish motives"-and use that as the justification for my resentments.

Do I realize that by resenting somoene, I allow that person to live rent-free in my head? Today I pray...May God help me overcome my feelings of inadequacy. May I know that when I consistently regard myself as a notch or two lower than the next person, I am not giving due credit to my Creator, who has given each of us a special and worthwhile blend of talents. I am, in fact, grumbling about God's Divine Plan. May I look behind my trash-pile of resentments for my own self-doubt. Today I will remember..As I build myself up, I tear down my resentments." end quote

I don't think I"ve ever read or seen something so powerful and something that speaks enormous volumes to me because this is exactly what I've felt for so many years. Inadequacy. I think this and fear of rejection are what's been keeping me from being anything in life. I sent a 'hi' message to the lesbian and I did send one to this other girl. I claimed to myself that by doing so, I was conquering my fears of these people and that by saying a simple 'hi' I could no longer feel resentment towards them and move on. I'm not so sure if this was a good idea now because I'm hurting. I'm fucking suicidal now because for the past two weeks I've been reading this book and everything it says I can relate to and agree with, but it's caused me to go back to my past. A trip to "memory lane" so to speak and I feel horrified and shocked that I am capable of being such a creep monster but also very remorseful about what I did to my stepsis. I put her through so much uncessesary stress and there's not a damn thing I can do to fix it. Nothing. I have to live with this. I suppose this is a consequence of my actions that I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life but I also agree with it. Just because I was 'under the influence' doesn't mean that I don't have to pay for my actions and if feeling horrified everytime I remember someone is the consequence, then I need to man up and accept it. I dunno if I said this yet, but I remember this guy from GA saying how you have to walk through the mess you made in order to get on the right path. Well I'm walking through my mess right now as we speak and it's very painful. I don't know what lies ahead of me but I'm just not sure on what to do about these things in order to correct the problem. I don't feel stuck or anything, but I just don't know the answer yet to a lot of these issues. I'm happy that I realize them though and that I"m beggining to point them out.

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