It's still very shocking to me that I did it. I did it three times. The positive is that I can't really relate to whatever was going on in my head at the time so it's something that I'm leaving in the past. Which brings me to today's reading, which was all about resentment. This is an experience that I'm all too familiar with. I have a lot of hatred/anger inside of me mostly to the way I treated myself but also to the way I reacted towards others. The lesbian is a perfect example of this. I think outside of me, she really isn't a very mature person, well, at least when I knew her. However, I resent the way I reacted (over reacted) towards her on just about everything she ever said/did to me. Which is what makes my message to her a couple days ago even more special. I feel very good now that I sent it to her because I don't feel that way about her anymore and that's indicitave of change. She represents everything that I don't want to do to anyone in any type of relationship. Lets be honest though, I can't focus too much on it because I don't have any type of relationship with her nor do I think about all too often. I think about Greece and what I want out of people here. I have a few acquaintances and all and I probably could go out every night with someone if I searched hard enough, but I don't really feel connected with anyone. I don't know if this is a good thing, but what it does mean to me is that I have fresh starts with people and I havent' fucked it up yet.
I did absolutely nothing today. Walked to the store to buy cigarettes but that's it. I think I'm near 100kg. Last night though was interesting. I went with my mothers cousin out and when I got to his house, he saw my shirt and said I needed to change it. I said I don't have anything ironed and suggested he give me a shirt. It was this united colors of benneton shirt XL, and european XL is probably like L in US terms. But the shirt fit me. It snugged my whole upper body. I said I can't wear this, my belly shows, and they said so what, your belly isn[t that big. So I went out and minute by minute, I felt more comfortable in it. I've always worn shirts that are a size larger because it hides the belly.but I think I should stop doing that and start wearing more tight shirts. I dunno, I mean, its not like women are hitting on me when I go out. SOmetimes I don't get the point of going out. I look at all these pretty faces but nothing happens. so blah.
I did absolutely nothing today. Walked to the store to buy cigarettes but that's it. I think I'm near 100kg. Last night though was interesting. I went with my mothers cousin out and when I got to his house, he saw my shirt and said I needed to change it. I said I don't have anything ironed and suggested he give me a shirt. It was this united colors of benneton shirt XL, and european XL is probably like L in US terms. But the shirt fit me. It snugged my whole upper body. I said I can't wear this, my belly shows, and they said so what, your belly isn[t that big. So I went out and minute by minute, I felt more comfortable in it. I've always worn shirts that are a size larger because it hides the belly.but I think I should stop doing that and start wearing more tight shirts. I dunno, I mean, its not like women are hitting on me when I go out. SOmetimes I don't get the point of going out. I look at all these pretty faces but nothing happens. so blah.