I can't see all my journal entries, but I can see the dates where I've done one and looks like I've been keeping this updated for a week now so that's a good sign. I'm kind of starting to think that this journal is becoming my meeting. I don't think that yesterday I mentioned I went for a walk. I never do anything exercise wise on a Sunday, but I just felt the need. The past few days I've fortified my phone with all kinds of new music so that's a big help. I didn't go to the gym this morning but I did go and do some shopping with my mom so I think just the fact that I was active, kept the scale in check. I did however go to the gym an hour ago, only did half an hour but I was 98 kg. I got the scale to show 97.3 Friday, and Saturday I didn't go, so I'm happy with the 98 (although after drinking water, I'[m probably 98.6 or something). I have a bad habit or perhaps sickness of feeling hot all the time and I drink a lot of fluids. I kinda think I'm addicted to ice. Even in the winter time I got to have ice in my drink. I have a belly and it's very soft and flabby haha but I think it's mostly water. I honestly don't eat right, but I don't think I eat a lot also but I make up for it in drinks, mostly water.
Today's reading from one day at a time was again about self pity, This message mentions attention and sympathy. Seeking attention is like, whoa, very huge a very huge issue of mine. Like, I'll hear the president talking and I'll imagine myself as the president and what I'd do different. If I'm watching a basketball game, I'll dream of myself being a basketball player. If someone in the neighborhood were to get sick, I'd imagine myself getting sick going to the hospital. All in the name of attention. I can tell you from my earliest memories I've always wanted to be the attention-whore. I'm not sure I've always been successful, bt in regards to the later years in my life, I don't think that I have received attention which has caused me to over-react and do extreme thinking type stuff when I do get attention because I am not sure that I know how to handle it. My perfect example of this was the time when I was obsessed with the lesbian. Today, I don't think about her much but when I do, I always look at this time with a lot of embarassment and shame, but I can tell you that time period of my life felt like a permenant bad acid trip. This girl basically opened herself up to me and showed me respect, and I went way over the top and became obsessed with her. I wasted so much of my effort on her, buying her all these things and giving her her way all the time. She was always on my mind. This is what prompted me to do my first therapy visit. Anyway, this is something that I definitely recognize, afterall, she is not the first person I've done this to. So its something that I need to change and I think the way to do that is to not have expectations when I have conversations with people. I kinda think this means I need to be more self-reliant because people are not really to dependable, at least in my experiences. Just because someone doesn't call back, I can't overreact and want to kill myself. Just because I wasn't invited somewhere, doesn't mean that I have to say "oh man, I have no friends,".
This however has brought up another issue on my mind. Back in Jan, I sent an apology letter to an old co-worker of mine who sat next to me for three years. She saw everything and I even think she knew me better than me. We've been in touch and all but when I talk with her, I think of the past. I'm wondering if I should send an apology letter to this lesbian chic. I'm like 95% no, but you know, ever since I got out of the hospital, I've known that my disease had me in a 'head up my ass' mentality and I'm all about acknowledging my past mistakes and asking for forgiveness. But if I do send this letter, does this mean that she or I will take this as asking for an invitation back in to each others lives? it's only fb so its probably not really a big deal as far as lives go, but will I be opening up old wounds for myself? I don't want to do that because I still don't believe that I am sucessufll in dealing with the past. Like, yea, I've learned a lot and all, but I don't think I'm where I should be in terms of dealing with it.
Today's reading from one day at a time was again about self pity, This message mentions attention and sympathy. Seeking attention is like, whoa, very huge a very huge issue of mine. Like, I'll hear the president talking and I'll imagine myself as the president and what I'd do different. If I'm watching a basketball game, I'll dream of myself being a basketball player. If someone in the neighborhood were to get sick, I'd imagine myself getting sick going to the hospital. All in the name of attention. I can tell you from my earliest memories I've always wanted to be the attention-whore. I'm not sure I've always been successful, bt in regards to the later years in my life, I don't think that I have received attention which has caused me to over-react and do extreme thinking type stuff when I do get attention because I am not sure that I know how to handle it. My perfect example of this was the time when I was obsessed with the lesbian. Today, I don't think about her much but when I do, I always look at this time with a lot of embarassment and shame, but I can tell you that time period of my life felt like a permenant bad acid trip. This girl basically opened herself up to me and showed me respect, and I went way over the top and became obsessed with her. I wasted so much of my effort on her, buying her all these things and giving her her way all the time. She was always on my mind. This is what prompted me to do my first therapy visit. Anyway, this is something that I definitely recognize, afterall, she is not the first person I've done this to. So its something that I need to change and I think the way to do that is to not have expectations when I have conversations with people. I kinda think this means I need to be more self-reliant because people are not really to dependable, at least in my experiences. Just because someone doesn't call back, I can't overreact and want to kill myself. Just because I wasn't invited somewhere, doesn't mean that I have to say "oh man, I have no friends,".
This however has brought up another issue on my mind. Back in Jan, I sent an apology letter to an old co-worker of mine who sat next to me for three years. She saw everything and I even think she knew me better than me. We've been in touch and all but when I talk with her, I think of the past. I'm wondering if I should send an apology letter to this lesbian chic. I'm like 95% no, but you know, ever since I got out of the hospital, I've known that my disease had me in a 'head up my ass' mentality and I'm all about acknowledging my past mistakes and asking for forgiveness. But if I do send this letter, does this mean that she or I will take this as asking for an invitation back in to each others lives? it's only fb so its probably not really a big deal as far as lives go, but will I be opening up old wounds for myself? I don't want to do that because I still don't believe that I am sucessufll in dealing with the past. Like, yea, I've learned a lot and all, but I don't think I'm where I should be in terms of dealing with it.