sertraline

I've been doing a lot of typing to one of my old friends from PA who is a recovering addict. I broke down last week and depserately needed someone to talk to, I actually declared that my messages be some form of a meeting. it's just kinda odd because I have a lot of knowledge in my head but I've been here for a year now and haven't really done what I've supposed to have been doing. So telling someone all this stuff and knowing that I only have one week of clean time...I'm just scared that I'm being a hypocrite. Today's reading from one day at a time was yet again about self pity. Yesterday I was kinda disappointed because I've been expecting all these different subjects. So when I saw today being about self pity I had this feeling that the book was looking at me saying "dude, do you get this? This is really REALLY important that you do" Feeling sorry for myself I think has caused me to not look at myself and blame others and also has been an obstacle for dealing with one huge issue thats ALWAYS been my biggest fear, which is rejection. I've never been able to deal with it properly..but I'm so scared of this, in fact, more scared of it than I am of snakes. Rejection is something that happens in daily life just as is acceptance. I'll bet that I probably was more accepted than I give myself credit for, its just that I didn't know how to recognize it. So something happened today that I'm going to make into a positive although it probably wasn't nothing. I went out today for coffee, and a few minutes in, I noticed this chic sitting on the other side of me and looked into these amazing bold blue eyes. We made eye contact several times and immediately I felt like going and talking to her. I didn't really want to expect anything, just say something like "you have pretty eyes" or something and walk away. But the guy I was sitting with was like, you can't do that here. THe only way you hook up with people here is via mutual friends. I'm not trying to make this into a huge drama thing, I mean I didn't really feel THAT attracted to her, but still I just wanted to say it for the sake of saying it, and I was being told that I couldn't. This is not going to last man...people here are really fucking paranoid and I'm about to go insane due to everyones fucking insecurities. It's like, I'm here recognizing that my insecurities are what I need to change, and this other guy is telling me, no just bear with them. Right. I almost want to be rejected ja hundred times just so I can feel it and sort of become immune to it in hopes of being able to recognize acceptance.