sertraline

ok, so, I went to the gym twice today! At noon for half an hour and tonight for fourty minutes. I am NOT going to make a big deal out of going twice to the gym anymore.I did, and it totally exhausted me to the point where I didn't go workout for like three weeks. If I do, great, if not, great. So, I started out today at 98.8 and I got the scale to show 97.4. Unless I fuck up majorly, which I doubt since there's not a whole lot to eat here, I should be somewhere around the 97.5-98 range tomorrow morning which would give me the opportunity hit that 96 mark! Excitement! You know, there's something that I haven't mentioned along all this weight loss subject. Three years ago, around this time, I was 217lbs. or 99kg. Because my goal was not to get to 217 lbs, Im not excited or focused on the fact that I'm now lower than that mark. I am excited to be 97kg because it's better than 98 which is better than 100. But what I do want to continue to remind myself is how I was 99 kgs before, everyone around me was telling me how good I looked, and I was getting very sensitive and didnt' know how to handle such comments. Look, I've been overweight ever since I can remember, and I've always been reminded about it, so hearing comments about how good I look, its not that I don't agree, its that Im not used to it. The other thing is, I was 99 kg, was...then I blew back up to 126. I was carrying a big bottle of water earlier today for our water cooler. I put in on the scale, and it said it weighed 19.5 kg, thats approximately 43 lbs..I said to myself, fuck this thng is heavy, I was kinda stunned that I was actually holding the weight I lost in my hand, and just imagine, the weight I've lost is one and a half those bottles. My goal right now, is to get to 85 kg which is 187 lbs. Well, actually my goal is to be skinny. You know how some people are big boned and all? I'm not. WHen I look in the mirror, I can see my ribcage, and then I see my belly. Most of my life I"ve been chubby, not like severely but chubby. I think it was right after high school that I started to put on a LOT of weight in my belly. I never had a big butt, never had big thighs...always a big belly, so to me skinny, is no belly. I don't know what weight that is.

Here is the other thing that I noticed today and it just ties in to what I was saying earlier about self pity, because I don't think I completely finished about self pity. Ok, so I've acknowledged and kinda feel it, that I display self pity. So what needs to be done to correct this? My only answer, and I'm taking this with the 'learning' approach, is confidence. I might be wrong. I might need something else that I need to fix. My logic here was that if I'm confident, I'm not going to be saying things like 'why is this happening to m?" I think if I gain some confidence, I'll be doing positive things. So this goes to the other question, how do you gain confidence? By fucking a bunch of hotties? By having all these women want you? By making tons of money? I don't know. What I'm thinking though is that if I stick to this weight loss thing, it will probably happen without me even noticing it. I looked accidentaly at the mirror today in my bedroom and I saw something that I've been waiting eons to happen, I saw my jaw. In most of my pictures, when Im smiling, I have this round face, fat cheeks look and a turkey neck. When you look directly in the mirror, you don't see the sides of your face, so when I saw my jawbone I was like, whoa...then I went to the bathroom mirror, and still saw my jawbone but saw my turkey neck. I"m probably overdoing the turkey neck thing but whatev.