Login
Forgot Password?

OR

Login with Google Login with Twitter Login with Facebook
  • Join
  • Profiles
  • Groups
  • SuicideGirls
  • Photos
  • Videos
  • Shop
Vital Stats

sertraline

Member Since 2010

Followers 88 Following 850

  • Everything
  • Photos
  • Video
  • Blogs
  • Groups
  • From Others

Tuesday Jul 26, 2011

Jul 26, 2011
0
  • Facebook
  • Tweet
  • Email
My gambling took over my entire body a year ago. It still haunts me reading my last post before I tried to overdose. See, I didn't go gambling to win money, I did it as an excuse to try and commit suicide. I wanted to die because I saw no hope, no reason to continue living. I still have no reason to to continue living, but I don't want to die. One thing that I know I want to do, is beat people up, legally that is. But in order to do that, you have to be in shape and I feel as though time is running out and to give it up. I don't know why I'm working out, but I'm doing it. I am thinner, still have work to do but I'm nearing the end, and yet I don't feel any better about myself. They say excercise helps your brain, and I don't think it's helping mine.

I have demons. Demons of which none I was born with. Demons I placed inside of me due to being insecure, being overprotected, not learning how to communicate with myself or others...demons I want to deal with properly. Look, I understand and acknowledge and accept that this is a disease that will be with me to the grave, but like I heard in a GA meeting once, we all have a good wolf and a bad wolf within us, the wolf that takes over is whichever one we feed. I simply have to stop thinking about smoking and stop thinking about gambling and replace them with other things. I said simply but its not simple. I anticipate on this being a long fight if I choose to fight it, but unfortunately at this stage, i keep letting the bad wolf win and it gets overwhelming a lot of the time because I don't know any better, I've never experienced any better, I don't know what it feels like to be of a clear and sober mind, and when I am sober, I don't know how to appreciate it because I expect perfection and anything short of perfection is failure. It's time for me to take a stand, no I'm not making predictions here, but I need to take a stand and say enough is enough, I'm here for a reason that's being hidden from me and I fear that I'm the only obstacle hiding it. I always sabotage anything good I gotg oing for me, as the old saying, Misery Loves Company...but I don't feel any company, I feel alone. I always feel alone and this isolation that I choose to throw upon myself makes it worse and doesn't make sense. I have so much opportunity here and so much potential but I choose to stay away from it. It's not me, but I don't know who I am most of the time. whatev..

More Blogs

  • 01.27.15
    0

    Pre-therapy session blog Jan 27 2015

    I am a procrastinator. I've done it ever since I was given my firs…
  • 01.24.15
    1

    voting and it's consequences

    @kaicito I have to vote tomorrow. I say 'have to' because my fa…
  • 12.26.14
    0

    So there's a first for everything right?

    Yesterday was my first Christmas where I did not receive any gifts.…
  • 12.09.14
    0

    pre-therapy session blog Dec. 9, 2014

    I sent Christmas cards yesterday! I've never done that. I've wanted…
  • 01.04.13
    2

    Friday Jan 04, 2013

    Listening to Grunge radio fm and looking at the most spectacular beau…
  • 12.16.12
    0

    Monday Dec 17, 2012

    So the thing with the German chic didn't pan out, in fact, it turned …
  • 06.16.12
    0

    Sunday Jun 17, 2012

    Being able to love and be loved is in my opinion the best of all thin…
  • 06.10.12
    0

    Sunday Jun 10, 2012

    23 days left on this island. My goal of finding a job here to prepare…
  • 06.09.12
    0

    Saturday Jun 09, 2012

    I have ten minutes to type out whats been going on the past two month…
  • 03.30.12
    1

    Friday Mar 30, 2012

    Today I was sworn in as a Corporal and I am feelin realllllllllllllll…

We at SuicideGirls have been celebrating alternative pin-up girls for:

23
years
10
months
20
days
  • 5,509,826 fans
  • 41,393 fans
  • 10,327,617 followers
  • 4,599 SuicideGirls
  • 1,114,613 followers
  • 14,946,853 photos
  • 321,315 followers
  • 61,458,366 comments
  • Join
  • Profiles
  • Groups
  • Photos
  • Videos
  • Shop
  • Help
  • About
  • Press
  • LIVE

Legal/Tos | DMCA | Privacy Policy | 18 U.S.C. 2257 Record-Keeping Requirements Compliance Statement | Contact Us | Vendo Payment Support
©SuicideGirls 2001-2025

Press enter to search
Fast Hi-res

Click here to join & see it all...

Crop your photo