sertraline

My gambling took over my entire body a year ago. It still haunts me reading my last post before I tried to overdose. See, I didn't go gambling to win money, I did it as an excuse to try and commit suicide. I wanted to die because I saw no hope, no reason to continue living. I still have no reason to to continue living, but I don't want to die. One thing that I know I want to do, is beat people up, legally that is. But in order to do that, you have to be in shape and I feel as though time is running out and to give it up. I don't know why I'm working out, but I'm doing it. I am thinner, still have work to do but I'm nearing the end, and yet I don't feel any better about myself. They say excercise helps your brain, and I don't think it's helping mine.

I have demons. Demons of which none I was born with. Demons I placed inside of me due to being insecure, being overprotected, not learning how to communicate with myself or others...demons I want to deal with properly. Look, I understand and acknowledge and accept that this is a disease that will be with me to the grave, but like I heard in a GA meeting once, we all have a good wolf and a bad wolf within us, the wolf that takes over is whichever one we feed. I simply have to stop thinking about smoking and stop thinking about gambling and replace them with other things. I said simply but its not simple. I anticipate on this being a long fight if I choose to fight it, but unfortunately at this stage, i keep letting the bad wolf win and it gets overwhelming a lot of the time because I don't know any better, I've never experienced any better, I don't know what it feels like to be of a clear and sober mind, and when I am sober, I don't know how to appreciate it because I expect perfection and anything short of perfection is failure. It's time for me to take a stand, no I'm not making predictions here, but I need to take a stand and say enough is enough, I'm here for a reason that's being hidden from me and I fear that I'm the only obstacle hiding it. I always sabotage anything good I gotg oing for me, as the old saying, Misery Loves Company...but I don't feel any company, I feel alone. I always feel alone and this isolation that I choose to throw upon myself makes it worse and doesn't make sense. I have so much opportunity here and so much potential but I choose to stay away from it. It's not me, but I don't know who I am most of the time. whatev..