my biggest flaw is that I care too much into others opinons and not much of my own. When I do care about my opinion, it's my way or get out of the way. This shit is in me and I haven't been able to get it out. I suppose it's important to keep trying, but when you deal with an acceptable form of drugs, nicotine, and when it seems like everyone around you is doing it, I can't get it out of my head. Thats how I will stop this addiction, getting it out of my head. Keeping myself occupied with other things. My latest resort, is to make excercise my god, and that everytime I light up, I disrespect my god. SO far today, I've disrespected a lot, not as much these past two days, but more than what is acceptable. At least yesterday I went to the gym. Today was a complete failure.
As I mentioned yesterday, I've been watching a lot of 'intervention'. Today's episode featuered a guy and his mother both addicted to methadone. I instantly broke down in tears when I heard him say "theres nothing wrong with me!!" and I started shouting there was nothing wrong with me either, its just that there's nothing right. The previous episode I watched dealt with alchohol and the therapist said how he had been to rehab five times and he said the rehabs worked, I didnt'. I dunno, maybe some people think its corny, but a lot of these 'catchphrases' seem to stick in me. I'll never forget one of the counselors at the rehab place I was at mentioned his father and how he was an alcoholic and he quit for five years until the phillies won the world series and he celebrated with champagne and it all came back. It's like, I know, or I'm 100% certain I can stop gambling and smoking, its just that I can't find a reason why. Once again I'm making reference to the meetings. I don't think I'd be saying this if I was still going to meetings. Fucking greeks. Why can't they acknowledge these types of sicknesses and offer public style meetings for people? Whatev, I guess I'm just blaming other people for my problems. I did not gamble today, but I really wanted to. I actually thought of my date and it was enough to rid the temptation. I dont think its a good idea to put a whole lot of emphasis on a date right now because emphasis on a date is kinda misleading. Like I"d focus so much effort on doing one year, and when the challenge is over and I've won, I'd go back to the bet. Not finding a reason to change is what's been dragging me down. I want companionship so bad right now and in my head, it just feels like finding a person I can relate to will be so difficult. I dunno, maybe culture barriers. Whatev, I'm signing off now, hopefully I'll be back in an hour.
As I mentioned yesterday, I've been watching a lot of 'intervention'. Today's episode featuered a guy and his mother both addicted to methadone. I instantly broke down in tears when I heard him say "theres nothing wrong with me!!" and I started shouting there was nothing wrong with me either, its just that there's nothing right. The previous episode I watched dealt with alchohol and the therapist said how he had been to rehab five times and he said the rehabs worked, I didnt'. I dunno, maybe some people think its corny, but a lot of these 'catchphrases' seem to stick in me. I'll never forget one of the counselors at the rehab place I was at mentioned his father and how he was an alcoholic and he quit for five years until the phillies won the world series and he celebrated with champagne and it all came back. It's like, I know, or I'm 100% certain I can stop gambling and smoking, its just that I can't find a reason why. Once again I'm making reference to the meetings. I don't think I'd be saying this if I was still going to meetings. Fucking greeks. Why can't they acknowledge these types of sicknesses and offer public style meetings for people? Whatev, I guess I'm just blaming other people for my problems. I did not gamble today, but I really wanted to. I actually thought of my date and it was enough to rid the temptation. I dont think its a good idea to put a whole lot of emphasis on a date right now because emphasis on a date is kinda misleading. Like I"d focus so much effort on doing one year, and when the challenge is over and I've won, I'd go back to the bet. Not finding a reason to change is what's been dragging me down. I want companionship so bad right now and in my head, it just feels like finding a person I can relate to will be so difficult. I dunno, maybe culture barriers. Whatev, I'm signing off now, hopefully I'll be back in an hour.