sertraline

It's so scarry/weird looking at that entry. I've been on here for more than a week now and have been wanting to address this, but I get to lazy or overwhelmed with things to say, that I just give in and don't type anything. The events that were to follow that entry were I went gambling, lost, popped in more pills, slept for 24 hrs and then called the ambulance again. This time, they held me in the hospital for a week, then transfered me to this mental rehab facility where I spent more than three weeks eating and sleeping and listening to counselors. I met a few really cool people there and learned a lot about what it was that I needed to do in order to improve me. I was exhausted from suicide attempts. I remember the second time I tried, for three days prior, I just felt this non-stop ache in my heart and was absolutely miserable. The third time, it just seemed like a logical decision rather than one out of depression. Regardless, it was a positive experience for me, even though it's not fun having to go to bed at 11pm and be one step short of prison rules. It was an experience I needed. Unfortunately, I had to put myself through all this ridiculous hardship, financially and psychologically, simply because I didn't know who I was. Well, I'm sure I had an idea of who I was, but there were a few things that I didn't want to acknowledge about myself. The biggest being that I am a very angry person. I can tell you numerous times I would go gambling simply because I was pissed off at something or somebody. I didn't know how to handle myself in those types of situations, so I looked for my way out and avoid the confrontation of dealing with problems. Depression is a very easy way to get hooked into being lazy and unmotivated and I get myself into those types of funks frequently.


So, I'm going to do something kinda odd for me, I'm going to type out here who I am, or at least who I think I am...just lay it all out and perhaps a day from now or a year from now, I'll be able to look back and see how I've improved.

1) I am a very naive type of person. I think this may be a part of my anger issues. I know in a lot of social situations, some things I don't get or just go over my head. I'm kinda proud of this but on the other hand I think it's a bad characteristic to have. I like the fact that I'm a pure type of person, I don't have any evil intentions towards anyone. The bad thing though is that I think it's led to a lot of misunderstandings between myself and others.

2) Anger...yea, FUCK YOU FUCK THE SYSTEM FUCK ME FUCK EVERYONE! lol I don't have a lot of patience....I like to THINK that I do, but the reality is that I don't. Perfect example, losing weight. I've been going to a gym now for the better part of a year, lost around 50-60 lbs and I'm not happy at all. These things take time though, but its just that in my frame of mind (which I acknowledge is wrong) skinny people date skinny people and fat people date fat people. How high school is that? I'm embarassed to admit it, but I admit it. Its just that I haven't seen otherwise, well, I guess I should say otherwise, it hasn't happened to me. Being able to develop patience is something that I think I should try harder at. I'm not really trying to change my impatient was I admit, but I'd like to see if I can do it. If you're approached with a situation, do you use logic or impulse? I'm an Aries and while I'm not sure what the hell it is I believe in as far as god and stuff, I do believe a lot in the horoscopes. My way, or get the fuck out of my way, whether I'm right or wrong. I'd like to be the type of person who is more logical...like when I approach a situation, think, is this what I want? What are the consequences? etc. etc. I dunno, I always associate impulse with confidence...I am an impulsive person, but I don't think I'm confident. :

3) Love..I love you..no, seriously, I do and I don't even know you. Just the fact that you are another being with different thoughts and different methods is fascinating to me. I'm a very touchy feely person...lurve me cuddles and hugs and kisses...umm, thats not bad is it?

I will type more as time goes on. So, what did I do after the hospital? I am a suicide survivor...I realized the best thing for me was to change my environment...I went to GA meetings and a month later I left New Jersey....in fact, I left the country! I live in Greece now with ALL my family. I have formed somewhat of a stable supportive social network...but I still have communication problems but not to the point where I ruin relationships. I haven't really confided in anyone here which is mostly a positive thing. I am a very open type person, but sometimes too open freaks people out. I don't go around telling people I tried to kill myself or that I'm a compulsive gambler. The really positive thing or change however is that I instantly identify my issue, acknowledge that its just a part of who I am, and move on.

However, lately it's been kinda down. I don't feel motivated to workout or even get out of the house. Not sure....anyway, time to get moving..