I wanted to say thanks for the support everybody!
I'm feeling some better, and the support on this website (both from you folks, and the people on the boards) has been tremendous.
I'm not sure if everyone knows what I was talking about in my last post, but I'm going to explain.
*cues pouring out of heart here*
There was a guy that I met at work on Tuesday, he was nice, we got together in a group setting, everything was fine. On thursday, he asked if I wanted to go for dinner, and I said yeah, I suppose, but I was broke. He said he would make dinner, as it was cheaper. I didn't exactly know how to say no, and I figured, what was the harm, so I did go for dinner. Supper was fine.
Afterwards, he got really touchy feely, and I politely explained that I've had bad experiences in the past, and that I liked to get to know people slowly, and that I didn't really know him. He persisted. I again, said that I didn't like people touching me. He still kept at it!
Now, a fact is that when stuff like this happens, I freeze. It freaks me right out, and I feel like I can't do anything. It's like, once I've said something, and they don't listen, I have no control of the situation.
He kissed me, but I had tried to turn away, and I couldn't, as he had me pinned, as he was stradling me. It didn't go further than that (and him just being all paw-y), but stuff like that terrifies me.
I had a situation similar when I was 12, with an uncle, who was rather inappropriate for an uncle, shall we say. Once again, not rape, but enough to definitely implant
*cue more freaking out, as he just called RIGHT FUCKING NOW*
anyhow, as I was saying, definitely enough to implant a reaction. When stuff like that happens, I freeze, I'm at a loss for control, it upsets the core centre of who I am.
I was kind of in a state of shock when I left, but as it has sat for a couple of days, I have freaked out a bit. It really hit when one of my friends muttered something like "if you told him you don't like people touching you, and he still did, it's sexual harassment."
I feel like it's my fault for even being in the situation. My friend said he was a creepy guy, but he seemed nice to me, and I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Another thing was, how stupid was I in even going over to his house anyways? *beats self up mentally over this*
I just hate how there's this ball of angst sitting in my chest, at the feeling of how helpless I felt when I was pinned down, and how it made me feel exactly like I was 12 again.
I by no means and in tremendous strife here, merely upset and left with a sick feeling in my stomach.
It brings about other issues. It seems that whenever I meet somebody that seems nice, it turns out into a creep-fest. Either that they're a slimeball in behaviour, or they act very sweet and nice, and assume this is a magic key to your pants (which bothers me alot, as I like to assume people are nice because....you know......people are nice!)
What is it about me that keeps attracting people like this? What is it that makes me seem like fucking jailbait?
It just scares me that I keep having these abnormal interactions with people. It seems doomed for me to find a decent normal guy.
A while ago, I discovered that I couldn't even daydream about a boyfriend, because as the situation progressed in my mind, they just ended up doing the using and abusing thing. I feel like I'm never going to find a nice and genuine person whom I'm comfortable with, and who I can relax around.
I don't dress slutty (border on conservative, actually) and I don't act suggestive or anything.
So there's my mind right now. Just stressed and confused, and the lot.
I know I'm a worrywart at times, but when shit keeps happening, and KEEPS happening, I just feel like there's never going to be an end to it.
Especially when something like this happens, I just want even more to find the one person who will prove me wrong. Right now I just want to curl up in a (sane) guy's arms, someone trustworthy, and have them prove everything like this will go away, and they'll look out for me, and care and ugh.
Anyhow, thanks for listening, I just had to get that all out in the open, and said.
truly, Gen
I'm feeling some better, and the support on this website (both from you folks, and the people on the boards) has been tremendous.
I'm not sure if everyone knows what I was talking about in my last post, but I'm going to explain.
*cues pouring out of heart here*
There was a guy that I met at work on Tuesday, he was nice, we got together in a group setting, everything was fine. On thursday, he asked if I wanted to go for dinner, and I said yeah, I suppose, but I was broke. He said he would make dinner, as it was cheaper. I didn't exactly know how to say no, and I figured, what was the harm, so I did go for dinner. Supper was fine.
Afterwards, he got really touchy feely, and I politely explained that I've had bad experiences in the past, and that I liked to get to know people slowly, and that I didn't really know him. He persisted. I again, said that I didn't like people touching me. He still kept at it!
Now, a fact is that when stuff like this happens, I freeze. It freaks me right out, and I feel like I can't do anything. It's like, once I've said something, and they don't listen, I have no control of the situation.
He kissed me, but I had tried to turn away, and I couldn't, as he had me pinned, as he was stradling me. It didn't go further than that (and him just being all paw-y), but stuff like that terrifies me.
I had a situation similar when I was 12, with an uncle, who was rather inappropriate for an uncle, shall we say. Once again, not rape, but enough to definitely implant
*cue more freaking out, as he just called RIGHT FUCKING NOW*
anyhow, as I was saying, definitely enough to implant a reaction. When stuff like that happens, I freeze, I'm at a loss for control, it upsets the core centre of who I am.
I was kind of in a state of shock when I left, but as it has sat for a couple of days, I have freaked out a bit. It really hit when one of my friends muttered something like "if you told him you don't like people touching you, and he still did, it's sexual harassment."
I feel like it's my fault for even being in the situation. My friend said he was a creepy guy, but he seemed nice to me, and I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Another thing was, how stupid was I in even going over to his house anyways? *beats self up mentally over this*
I just hate how there's this ball of angst sitting in my chest, at the feeling of how helpless I felt when I was pinned down, and how it made me feel exactly like I was 12 again.
I by no means and in tremendous strife here, merely upset and left with a sick feeling in my stomach.
It brings about other issues. It seems that whenever I meet somebody that seems nice, it turns out into a creep-fest. Either that they're a slimeball in behaviour, or they act very sweet and nice, and assume this is a magic key to your pants (which bothers me alot, as I like to assume people are nice because....you know......people are nice!)
What is it about me that keeps attracting people like this? What is it that makes me seem like fucking jailbait?
It just scares me that I keep having these abnormal interactions with people. It seems doomed for me to find a decent normal guy.
A while ago, I discovered that I couldn't even daydream about a boyfriend, because as the situation progressed in my mind, they just ended up doing the using and abusing thing. I feel like I'm never going to find a nice and genuine person whom I'm comfortable with, and who I can relax around.
I don't dress slutty (border on conservative, actually) and I don't act suggestive or anything.
So there's my mind right now. Just stressed and confused, and the lot.
I know I'm a worrywart at times, but when shit keeps happening, and KEEPS happening, I just feel like there's never going to be an end to it.
Especially when something like this happens, I just want even more to find the one person who will prove me wrong. Right now I just want to curl up in a (sane) guy's arms, someone trustworthy, and have them prove everything like this will go away, and they'll look out for me, and care and ugh.
Anyhow, thanks for listening, I just had to get that all out in the open, and said.
truly, Gen
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
*hugs*
Anyway... Nothing wrong with taking your time to get to know someone, after all, time is the only thing that shows where someone's heart is. Anyone who is worthy will understand this and stick around. Have faith...
[Edited on Jul 27, 2005 11:45PM]