serenekerosene

A Rant, and A Rage

I am mad. I am seething. I am FUCKING ANGRY!

Ernie is ignoring me, and hogging Pj (that last bit is me being a bit immature granted, but I don't even get to see the kid or spend time with him!) He is ignoring me because I refuse to sleep with him. This is one of my NUMBER ONE pet peeves.

We are all friends. Pj, Ernie, and I. But, now I'm left out of the loop, and it's because I won't sleep with a skuzzball who has a daughter. I'm fucking SORRY, but I don't HAVE to, I don't WANT to have to deal with that fucking baggage at this time in my life! And besides, he's unattractive and a pig. I could write a fucking novel on the reasons I shouldn't date/fuck this clown.

I am not a prude, nor am I a whore. I have standards. Which, thanks to my epiphane, are very clear in my head. There has to be at minimum, neutral ground. So, it either has to be neutral, or there has to be some attraction, or squishy feelings or something. But I refuse to be used for the simple fact that I am female. Ernie doesn't like me for me. He likes me because I'm around and I'm female. This doesn't jive with me. I am not one in a crowd, picked randomly. If I am to sleep with somebody, even if they don't have any special feelings, and we're "neutral" I want there to be a reason they picked me. (they trust me, we know each other well, yadayada). I know another guy, who asks me out, but I know for a fact, he doesn't respect me, and he only asks me out of desperation. WHY would I want that for myself? I want better for myself than that bullshit.

This brings me to something that I have been thinking about the last few days. Everybody has a significant other, and if they don't have a significant other, they have someone who thinks they're special, yadayada. You know what I'm saying.
Well, I don't. I don't have the significant other. I don't even have the admirerers. I just have people who want to fuck me and treat me like shit. Which leaves me with a not very good feeling.

I have had/have some very regular, normal crushes. Nothing extravagant. It's not like I'm setting my sights too high. In fact, depending on who you asked, these people *could* be viewed as slightly unfavorable, depending on who you asked. And I can't even get THESE people. I'm not looking for the love of my life. I'm looking to get out of my fucking house on friday night and have some fun. If some casual fun and flirting went to the next level, then awesome. But seriously, I don't think I'm asking for too much.

It makes me wonder: am I how I percieve myself? Or am I how others percieve me? How am I percieved?

I just sometimes feel that I get denied simple human rights/privledges by the fates, or powers that be. Like I'm sub-human.

I won't deny it: I've had some pretty shitty breaks in my life, and it does color the way I think. Also, I know part of my thing stems from the fact that my grandma sat me down at a young age and told me that I was a sin. I sometimes feel like, because of that fact, I have to be perfect in order to make-up for my "sin". But, since I'm not perfect, I am doomed to be tortured and denied, less than human. Sub-human. And when nothing seems to go right, it's easy to think this way.

No, I don't think this way all the time. Alot of the time I feel happy and normal. However, those aren't the times that I need to rant, and get things off my chest. Sorry that you guys are getting the brunt of this. If you guys were here, I'd treat you all to ice cream.

Anyhow, now I'm done my rant. Thank you all for listening. I'm not really as neurotic as I appear (I swear).

I send many squishies to everybody. Talk to you later!