serendipitous

Blah blah blah blah blah

Yucky day. I was a coward today and I let my hasty decision making get the best of me. I ended something today via email. It's not as bad as it sounds because it's not as if there was something serious going on... but he still deserves better than an email.... most everyone does.

I just didn't have the strength to have a talk about it nor did I feel like doing the "let's get together on Monday" dance. Plus, I was starting to feel I couldn't trust him and I cannot tolerate that.

Sure, we all have our issues but I will not play games like that. I can appreciate someone's honesty no matter how much I may not want to hear it.... but I think he was leading me on. For what reason, I do not know. Maybe he can't be frank. I don't know. But I've got too much going on in my life to try to deal with game playing...

So, I got aggrivated and decided I needed out of the game.... the next thig I know, I'm typing away and hitting send. I feel bad about that for many reasons.
1- He's a cool guy
2- No one deserves an email, no matter how nicely worded
But, in my defense:
1- I'm cool too
2- For once in my life, my shit is too much together to deal with things like this
3- I've got way too much to worry about. don't need to be wondering what's going on with a boy.
4- He has my coffee mug. I know that sounds petty and it was nothing special, but my dad gave them to me. I'm too sentimental.... damnit

Alright.... enough attempting to ease my guilty conscience.


On the upside, I love my friends. Even when they don't know my worries, they pick me up. (not one to talk about worries.... write about them to random strangers, sure... but talk to people about things, heavens no!)
1st a friend from high school called the other night. I still haven't talked to him though. Funny thing is I lost his number when my last cell phone broke and he recently had had his number changed. Just this week, I was thinking about him and bam! He calls! Fucking awesome! This guy is one of the greatest guys I have ever known. Maybe I'll call after I'm done because he is quite the night owl....
2nd- I have another friend who I've known for less than a year but we have such a weird bond. We have nada in common, but we click. And we are so different personality wise. He is so charismatic and charming and witty and bright. But his writing is atrocious.... horrible.... so he tells me he wants to write a book, he has all the ideas, but he wants me to do the actual writing. I've always wanted to be a ghost writer because I have never had any desire to be in any sort of spotlight. Made my day to think that someone I have known for such a short amount of time would trust his ideas in my hands. It could be a good union.... and it was damn sweet, no matter how much he may annoy me at times (and he does).

Anyways, that's my ups and downs for the day.... Rambling me tonight I guess....

I paint - the things I want to see but it dont come easy
-Manic Street Preachers

Kisses and Happy Fucking Friday!! (and 3 day weekend!

LOL- my ex from about 5 years ago just logged on AIM.... weird fucking week....