sentri

Which is worse? To be intentionally rude, or to have said something rude and be so daft as to only partially get it?

I offended one of the few people who honesty interests me as a worthwhile human being. Was my mistake in telling them that my first impression of them was inconclusive? Or did I not convey that properly?

And I write this all on here because my other blog has disappeared. So it'll undoubtedly be read with a degree of skepticism, as if written with agenda.

Come to think of it. I probably did not offend them. To say that is to assume that they were invested enough in a friendship with me to care about some fucked up recollection. Maybe I'm just arrogant and conceited and need to shut the hell up when I'm not sure how something is going to be received.

I was once described as a valliant cripple. The meaning of that escapes me. But it occurs to me during times like these, as if this is what was meant when it was said.

I'm sorry.

I hope nobody would mind too terribly much if I took the time to cry now. This is just the most fitting addition to an already horrible day. I've lost the only new person in my life that I really very much cared to know.

.. I'm such an idiot.

I only wanted to compliment without the appearance of platitudes. I was so concerned with not leaving an impression of fawning that I ended up leaping to the other side of the coin.

It's not often that you run into someone intelligent and witty that also has dorky qualities, like playing Jeopardy or Risk. Hell, I even got a new nickname.

"Bean didn't like his new name, but it was a name, and having a name meant that somebody else knew who he was and needed something to call him, and that was a good thing."

Thing is, I liked my new nickname. My nicknames usually suck. Demon, gaymon, and even the antichrist for a brief period of time in the fourth grade (which came up in conversation but an hour ago).

Also, I'm amazed I haven't tried to IM back and try to explain myself. Normally, I'd have done that twenty times by now. But I've worked so hard over the past few months to try and be respectful of what people ask of me. I don't know how to read beyond face-value anymore, so all I can go on is what people tell me.

"Goodbye" means "leave me alone", right? Well, either way, that's what I'm doing. It's the least respect and consideration I can think to show and the most respect and consideration I feel I am capable of showing under the circumstances.