sensory

"everything that keeps me together is falling apart, I got this thing I consider my only art of fucking people over" -Modest Mouse

I am writing this here because I have no other outlet.

Alyssa, the girl Adriane (my g/f) cheated on me with, that caused so many problems, who helped make my life a living hell for quite sometime, she fucking showed up at our apartment today. Her reason was real enough, she came to pick up blankets, including a down comforter, that she had left here when she was fucking my girlfriend.

and Adriane..... I keep giving one more chance, one more clean slate, a second third fourth fifth sixth chance to make better choices, to show through her actions that she loves me and that our relationship is important to her. and every time she's blown it - in varyng degrees of fucking up.

when she cheated, she lied for months. I found out from Alyssa (the "other" woman) after I point blank asked her. She told me..... My immediate reaction (I wasn't even angry or acting mad) I went to Adriane and asked her, looking in her eyes, "is there anything you want to tell me?" she said no. I asked if there anything she needed to tell me - again, she said no. I asked if there was anything that I needed to know and she looked me in the eyes and promised me there was nothing.
I should have run away then, but I'm a glutton for punishment I guess.
Adriane then explained how it was my fault that she cheated on me, because I wasn't paying enough attention, that I wasn't sexual enough, and other reasons involving things I lack. She justified all her actions, all the lies, the betrayal, all of it had a justifiable ( to her) reason.
even when she does admit she's wrong, there's always some qualifying comment, she excuses her behavior by saying things like "I'm a jerk" or "I'm an asshole" something that allows her to escape blame.
so hurt after hurt after hurt, and I keep taking her back.
I don't know when or how to draw the line, because it makes me the bad guy, I'm the asshole because I want to be treated with respect. I FINALLY fucking realize that I deserve better.
so the last in depth conversation about Alyssa, everything (at least on my end) was said, it was knock down drag out but it was finally real, it was finally the truth.
after I was made aware of the cheating, Adriane insisted on staying friends with Alyssa,, fuck my feelings, fuck my hurt, having Alyssa in her life was more important.
there was one time that I asked her to pick, me or Alyssa, and her response was "well Lorie, we can still be friends right?" she fucking chose Alyssa.
When Adriane decided to end her friendship with Alyssa it had nothing to do with me. Adriane finally realized that Alyssa was using her in many many ways, that she was manipulating us both, that she intentionally caused problems because she enjoyed the chaos.
so the bitch shows up completely unanounced. Her first words were LIES. She claimed to have called Adriane's phone several times, trying to get ahold of her to get her blankets. She called ONCE 3 or more weeks ago, and then Alyssa's girlfriend attacked me when I returned the call. The girlfriend (who is still being lied to or in the dark about a lot of stuff) cussed me out and made it very clear than neither her nor Alyssa wanted anything to do with us, that they would cut their loses (on the blankets I guess we have nothing else of theirs)
so the bitch shows up. I helped Adriane get the blankets together, and instead of just handing the blankets over a conversation iniated by Adriane occured. Adriane asked about her girlfriend. Alyssa started crying, saying Adriane was her best friend, that she was hurt that Adriane chose me. Adriane's first response was that "her girlfriend was more important" there was a whole bunch of other shit said, but that was the only thing that defended me.
this isn't the whole story but it hurts.. will add more later.