sehkh

do you ever get the feeling that life is just passing you by? im sure many of you have its a common emotion. but lately i have just been wondering what would my life be like if i was not in my current situation. were would i be? what would i be doing? sometimes i curse my existence for putting me into this role i have to play with little choice. it really sucks to the point where i want to scream at the top of my lungs and go postal... but i digress. sometimes i wish to find more relevance in my existence. was i just put on this earth to take care of another... and when its my time who will take care of me? as it stands now. no one. i am utterly alone in this world and that realization is quite frightining. now as im sitting in my kittchen with my cat sweetie glaring at my lap tops screen, i wonder if this is all there is to my life. a lonly house full of cats. and old lady who gives me no credit for giving up my life so that her final years on this earth would be pleasent. its funny any other person inluding her husband (who died two years ago) would have put her in a home a LONG time ago. let me give you a slight idea what my exitence is right now. mon wed fri i have to wake up at 4am to get her up and ready for dialisis, and then drive her across town to the clinic. about 3 hours later i drive back to pick her up where i then wheel her back into the house and start to fix breakfast. by now the time is about 11am. i have an hour to myself *maybe* before i have to go back in and check up on her. clean up what she did not finish and start thinking of things to fix for lunch and dinner. i am a prisoner in my own home!! i had to quit college, quit my job(s), and give up a lot of great musical oppertunities (i could be the live keyboardist for a band in LA) is it fair? thats a silly question no one ever said life is fair even still i cant help but feel i have the short end of the stick here. *sighs* well it felt good to let this all out. my first serious journal entry... lol how about that. sorry for all the spelling errors, and lack of any real grammer structure.
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