secretly_dead

so my family went to go visit my grandpa in the hospital. he has stopped eating and only drinks OJ and because of this he has lost a lot of weight. i really want to go see him (i never saw my grandma when she was in the hospital) but i know that i will lose it. and im still getting over losing my grandma (oct24). (his wife) we dont know exactally why he has stopped eating. Is it attention of does he just not care anymore. my mom said he looks like a shell of himself.

It really stresses me out. cuz i dont know what he is goign through and cant even begin to imagine what he is going through. i mean losing or wife of almost 50 years. how the hell do you deal with that. and it so god damn upsetting. my great grandma (his mom)did the same thing when she was near the end. just was in and out of the hospital til she just passed away.

i was talking to the guy i work with on fridays and told him about it and how that if he does pass away that im seriuosly going to just be a fuckign mess and be insane. i joked with him about how i just wouldnt show up for work and they would be like "where is he?" and i would stnding on top of the church in market square screeming at the top of my lungs about nothing, just slipped into insanity.

i know i wouldnt really do this but i mean it took me like 3 months to be able to not cry every night about my grandma. and i'm so scared of what i will become if we lose him.