secondbest

Ok here is goes
Today I turn 25 and so I reflect mostly on the year that has passed. And all I can really see is a year full of failures and follies. Mistakes and regrets and now I feel so empty I very uncertain how to move forward. I feel drained and tired. I think what it comes down to is a total lack of satisfaction in life.

I sit now in a room half built lacking heat freezing. It contains the half unpacked remnants of my old life. A great computer, my notes on scripts and so on. A nice library I have constructed over the years and all in kept in this meat locker or a room. I have consumed part of my birthday cake, but I dont have milk to go along with it. Everyone is going to LA for the Film Festival but me. It seems there is always something missing.

Life always has time to take a piss on me. The only factor is usually how full the bladders are. Billions of people have it far far worse than I which makes me sick for even having this rant. So

For my birthday I all want is to know some satisfaction from life. For once know that something will go right or to plan. To feel a sense of accomplishment and freedom, instead of this constant pain and anguish and daily disappointment. I just want something good and fun. I want to remember how it was to be happy. Although I have very rarely ever felt it, and I realize each day the memory of it fades faster and faster.

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back? There are some things time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep... and take hold. "