sebastian6

You could probably skip this depressing entry.

These are the thoughts that plague me almost everyday, thoughts I must force myself not to think about...

I keep thinking about a future time when we're all gone and forgotten and how soon that will happen. I think of how these young bodies we're wearing will slowly begin to ache and deterorate. I think of stroke and having the inability to take care of myself. I think of old age and dying in a nursing home without all my faculties, childless and alone. Oh what will become of us?

I don't fear death per se, just what comes before. I think everyone above age 35 should be given a cache of pills to take in case they want to stop living. I don't really understand the policy of this society for wanting people to live even if they don't want to live anymore. The pain that comes with poor health, the shame that comes with not being able to care for onesself, and the desperation of poverty can all plague us in our older years. And I can foresee me laying on the bed, unable to move much, unable to go do my own business, wishing that I could just go to sleep for good. But in that condition it's too late to go scam a bottle of tranquilizers. So there I remain, suffering in emotional and physical pain. This is the kind of nightmare I find truly frightening.

I know that thinking about this stuff is mostly useless because what will happen will happen. I know we'll all (hopefully) grow old. I know we'll all die. And I know that these thoughts are simply a painful distraction from really living. But growing old with dignity is a blessing not everyone gets. And I do get scared when I see myself alone and dying in an environment of strangers.