seasan

so anywho. i went to the doctor yesterday. my blood pressure is still high, and that really sucks. ive been prescribed blood pressure medicine, along with my gambapentin and percoset. i cant believe i have high blood pressure. its always been normal until february, and the fact that it is so high and wont go down worries me. he also wants me to consider gastric bypass! now i know im a big girl, but i consider myself to be pretty "healthy" in that aspect. besides the high blood pressure, and the pain from fibro. i am active. i dance, i walk around my neighborhood everyday. i play with my nieces and nephews-and that takes a lot of running around. shit, my fat ass can still do cartwheels and roundoffs! lol. and in the sex department...well i am very active in that. its weird because my weight does not correlate with my size. i wear a size 20-22 and i am 5'10". i have friends who wear the same and have the same height, but they way at least 50 pounds less than me.

like when the doc told me to consider gastric bypass, after everything ive been doing with eating well and such, i just felt like a total lard ass. it was the one point in a very long time when my confidence plummeted. i mean, ive always been the secy and confident big girl, but all of a sudden i just felt like a fucking lard ass. i was immediately embarrassed about how i look, and my clothes, and it was horrible. i know that its about my health, we dont want to turn up with diabetes and such, but it still sucks. blah

ok, so enough of the sad shit. i know that i am still sexy and still awesome. and the weight needs to be lost strictly for health reasons. im mainly afraid of 1-losing my boobs by losing weight, and 2-losing a part of my personality. ive always been big, and being big actually built up part of my personality. we shall see