scotty

Well, this week was the first year anniversary since my Grandad passed away from lung cancer last year.

I can't believe how fast time has flown by. A year already! And it was only 6 months before that, that he became sick and was diagnosed. Gosh, I can't wrap my head around it.

So on Saturday, hubby and I drove back to our hometown to visit the grave site, and lay some flowers. That's the first time we've been back at all since shortly after the funeral. It's so strange going back to the town that I grew up in, lived in for 18 years, and then not visiting it for 10 or so months, and seeing all of the changes. My 'home' town doesn't feel like home anymore.

I swore to myself that I wouldn't go by Parpy's house ever again. He lived there for 50 years. My Mum, and all of my Aunties and Uncles grew up there. We never lived more than 5 minutes away from him and that house when I was growing up. I was there before school some mornings, after school others. I'd jump the fence from the highschool over to his place during lunchbreak sometimes as well. Weekends also. His house, was always as much of a home to me, as my house was. And after he died, and we cleaned the house out, I swore I'd never go back. I wanted to remember it as his house, not some new person's house. I know, that obviously someone, at some stage was going to buy it, and move in, and untimately change it. But I thought I could go on, ignoring that fact forever.

Well, I went and saw his house on the way to the cemetary on Saturday. I thought it was time. I thought I could handle it. I couldn't. As we drove closer and closer, knowing very well which house it was, my eyes still couldn't focus on it. I've driven up that bloody road so many times in my life, and of course, I should have known straight away which house it was. But my eyes couldn't believe it. My eyes refused to believe it. The house is completely different. The yard is completely different. The whole vibe, is completely different. It's not Parpy's house anymore, it's someone elses I bawled. Alot.

When we got to the cemetary, I had stopped crying. We put some flowers on the grave, and sat down on the grass beside it. The grass hasn't completely grown over his grave site yet, which I thought it should have by now. And I notived a few weeds growing around it. So I started pulling them out, knowing that he HATED weeds. He was such a gardener, always tending to the garden. His yard was always immaculate. This ran through my head as I pulled the weeds out, and I kept pulling them out, more and more, and as I did that, I guess I had a little breakdown

Even after a year, that was so much harder than I thought it would be. So much harder.




After that though, we went for a little walk. Over to the lake. And we spent some time there, checking out the changes, walking with some ducks and geese, watching people canoo and horseride, and watching some lady sit by the lake by herself playing a banjo. It was really neat. And it really cheered me up. I remember when my husband and I first started dating 10 years ago, we sat by that lake, in a car, holding hands, for an entire night.







That little visit to the lake, really, really helped me. I guess some things about the hometown still feel like home.

I think I'm slowly coming to terms with Parpy not being here anymore. And my nightmares have stopped. For now. Almost every night since he died, I've had nightmares about him.

In life, he was the sweetest, most generous, loving man. We had a really, really close bond, and loved each other very much. In death, in my dreams, he was so angry and frustrated and grumpy. Every single night, I'd dream of him being so, so angry, and just hating everything. It makes me think he hasn't found peace. That upsets me alot. But the other night, I dreamt of my grandmother, his wife, who I've never met. She died before I was born. So I never got to meet her. But in my dream, she smiled and told me he was just fine.

Now, I'm not sure if I had that dream, simply because I wanted to have that dream, and was hoping I'd had some kind of dream telling me that he's ok. And I'm not sure why it was her, and not him that told me that. But, I've not had a single dream about him since then. Not one angry dream. And that was almost 3 weeks ago. Dreaming of him almost every single night for a year, and then having that dream, and not having one since, makes me think he really is ok. Cliche? Maybe. But I don't care, it's put my mind, and my heart, at ease. For now anyway.

So I'm actually feeling ok about it now. We went to Valkyrie's engagement party last night, which put a big fat smile on my dial! She probably doesn't realise it, but her party, and her smile and her sweetness, helped alot. That girl has such a big heart. She doesn't know how special she is.

Just before the party...





Wow, long blog! Needed to get that off my chest though. Sorry about the length, my brain was on a roll.

Anyway, now to the good stuff I suppose...

I joined Facebook - Katey Dee. I update on there a bit more often that on here as well.

And I have a new Zivity set - Ode to a shiny blue benchtop. Unlike my last 3 Zivity sets, which are all ex-MR sets from SG, this one was shot especially for Zivity, a couple of months back. So aside from some previews I've posted in my albums, it's never been seen before. So members, if you want, check out the whole uncensored set. And non-members, if you'd like to see it, I can send you a free 30 day trial subscription to the site, if you PM me your email address. I also have another brand new, never seen before set being published tomorrow, so look out for that one as well

Okir dokie, that's it for today!

Much love

P.S - for all of those who stuck around to read the whole blog...