scotty

Hi

I guess I better update. I really don't feel like it, I'm still feelin a bit lost, but you guys have been asking how I'm doing, so, I'll do one quick update... for you

The funeral was lovely. Well, as lovely as a funeral can be I guess. I got to see alot of family that I haven't seen in years, which was nice. Pity it wasn't under nicer circumstances though. The service was nice, although the lady running the service got Parpy's name wrong! Apparently he was a "loving Pardy to his grandchildren" Pardy? Pardy???

I managed to get through that part ok though. I was sitting behind my Mum, her sister and my Dad. It was hard watching her go through so much. My hubby, brother, cousins and I were all sitting in the same row, which was nice. I only teared up a little bit during that part. Everyone was so quiet and it just seemed... wrong... to burst out crying while everyone else was holding out so well. It killed my throat trying to hold the tears back, but I managed. My brother read a poem out at the start of the service. I'm so proud of him. He did a great job. That made me smile.

Then the boys carried the coffin to the car, and we all stood around outside the churchy thing for a while. Everyone coming up, giving us a hug and saying the same thing. "I'm so sorry" Like.. it's their fault? One paticular 'family' member thought he'd try and make the situation cheerier, by hugging me and then accouncing that I have become "chunky" and that I've "filled out nicely" Fucker.

Then the cemetary. I think that was the worst bit. I was ok, until they started to lower the coffin. Then the tears came. The sobbing started. I felt the same feeling i felt when I saw his dead body in the hospital. That 'can't move' feeling. No matter how much I wanted to, my body wouldn't move. It was stiff. I couldn't handle it. And yet, still, everyone else was so quiet. And here's me... bawling like a baby. I turned to Ash, buried my head in his chest, covered my face so no one could see me, and just cried and cried. I heard my Mum come over and say "Awww Katey, he was your Parpy wasn't he?" She gave me her little hankey, and then left. I don't know how long I was standing there with Ash for, but when I lifted my head out, everyone else was gone. Just him and I, standing there, looking at this giant big hole with a coffin in it.

The wake was ok. We hired some lady to come and cater for us. It was at Parpy's house. Which to me, is like home. I was there almost every day growing up. And here are all these people, people I haven't even seen before, walking all over his grass, using his sugar for their tea, sitting in 'his' chair I did not like it.

My brother, hubby and I, lay on the grass, in the sun, in our suits, over near the old swing that Parpy made, and watched everyone come and go. We were there until the last person left. Those two boys are my pillars of strength. I would not have survived this if it weren't for them. And I'll be forever grateful.

After everyone was gone, Mum took me into his bedroom. She had cleaned up all the blood, thrown out all the rubbish, made the bed. She took me in there and said "See, look, there's not more blood. The blood is all gone" and smiled at me. She knew I was most upset about seeing his blood all over the carpet and pillows and bed. That made me feel a little better.

Next step, going through his house and cleaning up at some stage. That will be hard. I'm not looking forward to it. We don't even know what we are going to do with the house yet. Too early to think about it.

That was on Wednesday. Yesterday, Thursday, Ash and alexisonfirefan got me out of the house. We went to the Gold Coast for the day. Which was good. Something to keep my mind busy. We went iceskating, which I've never done before, but have always wanted to do. So that was fun. Ash had never been either. Alexisonfirefan has been in Canada, so he's been learning for a while now. Show off he is I only fell over once though. And that was only because Ryan was holding my hips and decided to make me go really fast and then push me. I fell ass up on my knees. Big bruise and swollen knee now Worth it though. I had a great time. And we had the whole place to ourselves, which was awesome.

Pics.

After skating, we went to the beach for a bit, and we let Ryan have a play in the sand before he has to go back to Canada for another 1.5 years He loved it. Just like a little kid he was Although I'm still finding sand in my clothes/bag/shoes after Ryan threw it on me all day. I will admit though, It was nice to sit there for a couple hours with Ash and Ry, in the sun, on the beach. We won't see Ryan again for a long, long time, so things like that, times like that, are special.

Pics

So that leaves us here. Today. Ryan has left for the day and Ash is doing outside manly stuff in the gardens. My very pretty, very big, very expensive favourite cichlid died this morning. As well as my favourite betta. Awesome Everything around me keeps dying. What am i doing wrong?

Ryan leaves on Monday, and Ash goes back to work after a three week holiday, so I'll be alone for the first time in like a month. I guess how we'll see how I hold up then.