schuldig

Sometimes I just shouldn't open my big fat stupid mouth.....


[EDIT] 3:40PM

OH! And I'm sick of school!!!! It's driving me crazy and I don't want to do it anymore! Why do I keep beating myself over the head you may ask since I hate it so much? Because I might as well finish....that's the reason....pathetic. I'm pathetic...Somedays I don't feel like I'm cut out for life...

Does anyone else ever feel like that? Just wish you'd never been born? Wish that you could just die and it all be over and you won't have to cry about it anymore?

I try to enjoy life, but it seems to be a great conspiracy of EVERYTHING to make me worry and stress out and meet deadlines and I feel illequipped to do or deal with any of it. I feel stupid and I feel inadequate and I feel insignificant and unwanted.

Mostly I feel like I can't do this anymore. Just about everyday too, how sad.

I feel, every day, that I'm not cut out for living. That I was given the wrong life, that I wasn't given all the tools to finish the project. I feel shortahnded. I feel like this everyday and I never say anything because I don't want to hear the tired old speach "You're fine. You can do it you just need to think positively. Blah Blah Blah..." and so on and so on.

I don't feel it.

I feel everything but what you're telling me.

I feel that you're wrong. Not everyone's happy and not everyone's equipped to deal with life and I don't think it's for lack of enthusiasm or ambition - I want the world. I just honestly think that some people aren't born with everything needed to get through life. I feel stupid. I don't think I was born with the mental capacity to deal with life. And yes I know there are less intelligent people than I living their lives and making it through as fine as anyone can. How bad do you think I feel, feeling that I'm less equipped for life than those people.

I feel like I was a mistake. A cosmic accident. That one in a million chance that something would fuck up in the Machine of the Universe. That's what I feel like.

I don't want to hear that I'm perfect, because I'm not.
I don't want to hear that it will be alright because this will happen again. It's cyclicle. It's easier for me to be depressed than happy it seems....
I don't want sympathy or pity.

I just wanted to put my feelings down. Please don't belittle them, I feel small enough as it is. Just wanted someone to see, even if you just think I'm selfish and paranoid and whining and wallowing in my own self-pity. Maybe I am, but it's how I feel.