schuldig

I really wish that I could make a difference. Unfortunately I don't see any way that someone like me could do so. I'd like to be someone who future generations will learn about in school, but that will never happen. I'm not good enough at anything to be worthy of such high status.

I know that I have to grow up. I know this. Believe me, I KNOW. But I believe that this is a process that should come about naturally, which takes time. Unfortunately the world wants me to grow up now. RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!! With the world being so impatient that in itself makes it look like the one that needs to grow up and not me. Oh, the irony.

I know that if I don't figure it all out RIGHT NOW I'm fucked. That if I don't figure out what I'm going to do to make money and survive I'm going to be cast away like so much dumpster food.

So what is it that I'm going to do for the rest of my life? Probably waste alot of opportunities because I'm shy or don't believe I deserve it. Probably get locked into the first alright job I find because I just HAVE to make money. But what else will I do? What will I do to make myself happy? To keep myself from killing myself?

There are only a few things in my life that are certain, none of you really need to know about them, it's enough that I know. And the thought of them makes me happy, but they are far from coming to fruition. I have to wait for and work on those.

There's the rub, eh, therein lies the toad - I have to wait.

Damn.

~T