schmooziesan

Ok, the appointment with the ex. It wasn't even awkward at all, we just talked for almost three hours.

He told me that he had gone trough all stages of a break-up period: anger, sadness and now finally it was ok. He told me he, just like I didn't, didn't want to go to our student association in fear of seeing me. And that he bought a whole bunch of clothes just to impress me. That he started drinking way to much beer and hitting on chicks just to feel better, but he also turned it around in positive energy and started studying a lot.

I asked him why he was so mean, he told me it was just the moment. He didn't meen all the nasty shit he said. He doesn't think I've no heart.

(crying while typing)

Then I told him my story, how things got worse for me. How I slept days long and didn't want to do anything. How I was so crazy in love with him that I couldn't see him or think of him without crying. And then I told him how I met Maarten. He kinda made fun of how we moved in together so quikly. Not in a mean way though.

It hit me I don't like him anymore in the same way. But it still hurts, it aches. He is still so fucking pretty and I'm still so hurt and messed up. In some way it hurt me to hear he finally got over it, even though he also told me about all the pain.

Today I took the day of study, I don't want to go into the same routine of not going, but I just don't feel ok. I don't feel over emotional, in fact I feel nothing at all. I realised I'm not depressed the way I was, but then again I'm taking the meds, it scares me today is a day where I don't know what to feel. I feel NOTHING

I'm having my doubts about a lot of stuff, I don't know where this will go Maybe I should go into day-care, I can't handle my own mind anymore.