schism13

oh god what a morning and night. Last night I stumbled apon pics of Tina off of Messenger. She looked super happy. There were other pics of her sis and brother and it just brought back ALL memories of those three years we spent together. Im happy that she looked happy and all, but I cant help to feel that its not fair, like I should have been in that picture along with them.....I guess, or maybe just happy, I dont know. Anyway, I went crazy last night until I finally fell asleep and what was the first thing that I thought of this morning when I woke up, that same fucking picture and all the memories. I dont know what happened but I was having some kind of attack cause I couldnt breath, I couldnt get that pic out of my haed, I felt that I will never be happy.......I just felt that death was the only happy thing....no more worries. I felt like bashing my head in cause I couldnt think of anything else. Im so fucking scared, I dont know whats going to happen. I feel like my life is just a big fat waste of time...that nothing will ever satisfy me in the future. I will never have money, I will never be able to afford what I want to do (mostly travel). I dont understand why life has to be like this.....everything has to evolve around a piece of paper and coins. I know there are others out there worse off then me, but I cant keep that in mind. That things could be much worse, but to me.....they dont get any worse then this.

happiness seems to be something that I wont be able to reach.

I know I need help, but how can someone who doesnt have money get help these days.