scattershot

I feel like I have something to say but can't find the words to say it exactly.

being on shrooms for the first time yesterday was quite an experience. I believe I could have died almost falling off a cliff. That kind of thing should change a life but it hasn't changed mine, but yet I can't stop thinking about it. We were climbing a mountian and I had never done something like that so I was terrible at it. I had lost my shoe but a friend went back down and found it. The view at the top was something complete and full and whole it was worth it to be up there in that person's backyard staring at the hamilton skyline and seeing the city stretch as far as the eye could see.

but I can't shake the experience of looking outside myself and seeing who I was and not appreciating me at all. I understand why I have a hard time with people, a hard time finding love a hard time with the things that I have a hard time with. Because there is something about me that is hard to like ... or at least like beyond that of an aquaintence or a small time friend. No one can get close because no one wants to.

I will never gain the love of the girl I want because she does not want to give it. That is something I came to understand. It is disheartening but I feel like I can't go on in the same way without her. She has done something to me and I don't know what. I have called it love once or twice but it might not be ... her boyfriend is apparently exactly like me too... except he is laking that quality I have that people dont want.

Maybe Im being over-dramatic. They were saying that I was being far too poetic and stupid when I was talking deeply about nothing last night.

I don't know.

music: Finch. Bury Me
Mood: Im in a weird place ... a place I've never been before.

x's and o's
Scattershot.