scarylitllemary

So........my 21st birthday is Monday & it just feels weird. It doesn't seem like I should be this old & maybe part of that is being afraid to grow up. Maybe I just don't trust myself to be legal w/ alcohol. Maybe it feels weird b/c she's not here.
Gina made me the collage I asked for of her & when she gave it to me tonight all I wanted to do was fucking cry, partly b/c it was the best gift I got b/c it was beautiful, but partly b/c she's gone. It's so weird how when u think you're gonna miss them, like on their anniversary, u don't, but then when something special is gonna happen the sadness just consumes u.
When I turned 18 she gave me the best card ever. It was a Barbie card w/ her Dream House on the front & it came w/ stickers, so I could decorate the house. I fuckin luved it. Then on the inside she wrote "Your "18" Watch Out." All I can think about is what kind of card she would have given me this year. I miss her so much. I wish Syd could have known her better.