scarletharlet

Many many sorrys for the lack of journals, I've been distracted... or something.

So I have an older brother, Brandon. I feel the need to protect him, yet I want to slam his head into a few walls.

He is really unstable, so getting a hold of him is harder then finding jimmy hoffa sometimes. If he has a phone number, or a place it's only for a few weeks at a time. Most of our freinds have given up on him. He seems so lost.

The point is, a few nights ago, while I was at work, he calls me. He's frantic, he's spun, I think. Note I don't get to speak to him, he just leaves voicemail. He calls again. Less crazy, more drunk. He's slurring, and I can't really understand the phone number he tells me to call.

When I get the messages, i over look the tones in his voice. I'm jumping around, almost in tears. I haven't heard from him in months. It takes three or four times of replaying the voicemail, to start to understand, My big brother is not ok.

I wait two days to call him... I don't have any money to send him, and I have called in all the favors for him I can. I don't want to have to tell him no.

I know the clock is against me, if i wait to long the phone will be dead, or he will be long gone. Some girl answers, tells me he's not there, and hangs up.

I call the second number, and a drunk, nice young girl gets my brother for me.

He says he's ok. I alsmot cry.

We talk for awhile, he has no job, no place to live after sunday, and three months untill he's off probation. But he says hes ok.

He laughs at me, and he sounds ok. I almost have my self tricked, I play along that everything is fine with him.

We say goodbye, we hang up. And I don't cry, not then. Not yet. I just wanna trick myself that hes ok. I don't wanna think about him sleeping in the park, or the fact that he's wearing the shoes I gave him three years ago. I just wanna be at peace with "I'm fine."

I know it's silly, and i'll have to face this sometime.