saturn1

well, as new years eve gets closer, i am getting less into it. i think i may stay home and meditate on shit. i've not been doing that all year and it's contributed to my insanity so i think that'd be a good way to start the new year & set the tone. time for me and me only. though, i've been a hermit since sunday and should get out. but i think that's me thinking i'm lame if i choose not to do anything.

plus, i really wanted to see my girlfriend, kriste for new years. {side note: she made the grave mistake of calling attention to the fact that her mom picked a dumb spelling for her name - if you pronounce it the way it looks it'd be pronounced christ and not kristie -now i want to call her christ all the time. it'd be neat to tell my friends 'i'm going out with christ tonight'} ... but anyways, she's going to south carolina today and so that's not an option. i get in these weird phases where i only want to see a specific person, maybe two, and no one else.

& since my year HAD to end on a less than happy note, today i called the woman i shared a cube with when i worked at a law firm in chicago - & who has become something of a second mother to me - and she's bedridden. i wish she would've called me and told me she was sick. i guess she's had a congenital spine problem and it's never been a problem until now. she said the pain is horrible and she's getting depressed about it. she sounded really out of it, the pain medicine i'm sure, and said that she was going to see a neurology specialist on the 15th. i called out of the blue to make plans to see her because i was planning on going to chicago the weekend of the 13th, but i don't know if i will now because she is one of the main people i always anticipate seeing and i wouldn't feel right not seeing her while there.

i guess overall my year could've been worse, but the accumulation of things - losing my friend in a car accident, and losing my best friend it seems {she was his sister and he's been so distant since that happened in the spring}, losing my grandmother, getting pretty much stalked {offline}, etc etc - it's all so overwhelming.

but, that's pretty much how this year has been. a when-it-rains-it-pours kind of year. i don't get into modern astrology a lot but i do think lunar cycles and trends affect us in some way and i sure as fuck will be happy when the new year comes in january... whatever new phase that's coming has got to be better, even if it's just different, than whatever has been going on this year.

so yeah, staying in and having another day of me time seems like the thing to do. we'll see. maybe christ will not go to south carolina and i will still get to drink expensive vodka and be completely hedonistic with her. well, thats happening soon anyways, so i guess it all is really much better than i feel it is right now. hooray for debauchery.

happy new years kids