saturn1

i don't exactly care very much. you think i should? whatever. you'll probably place all blame on me. do it. if you can't realize what you do have and wish to remain in constant state of 'misfortune' and continue to constantly dwell on what you don't have... do it. do it 100%. without me. there's only so much self-pity a person can take. my tolerance for it is probably lower than the average person because i think it's useless and a sign of weakness. i hate when i do it myself, why have dealt with yours for so long? probably because i care about you, but why when there's little indication, regardless of what you say, that you do such for me? words mean nothing when there's no action reinforcing them.

whatever.

christmas was alright. i'm not very good at sitting around and relaxing.

oh,

ART 124 Drawing II B
ART 216 History of 20th Century Art A
ART 409 Adv Photographic Imagery B
ART 460 Advanced Graphic Design B+

b's are stupid but i'll take them! this semester was so hard with work and the number of projects i was given.... i really need to keep working full time but i don't know if i can do it next semester. if i don't pass this math class i don't graduate...
and if i don't graduate i don't get to move...

if i don't get out of this state soon i will cry. and perform acts of self-pity, which will make me hate myself. that can't happen.

anyone want to be my tutor? for math?

this part of 1987 always makes me think of my grandmother :

learning to love she had forgotten to cry
seldom hearing the distant thunder in her lover's ambivalent sighs
he was not honest.
she was not sure.
a great-grandmother had sacrificed the families clarity for gold in the late 1800's
nonetheless
she had allowed them to mispronounce her name
which had eventually led to her
misinterpreting her own dreams.
and later doubting them
but,
the night was young.
she was the first born daughter of water, faced darkness and smiled
took mystery as her lover and raised light as her child
man that shit was wild
you should've seen how they ran
she woke up in a alley with a gun in her hand...

everytime i read the current events forum i'm reminded how different the white experience is in this country, than any other. my family has always reminded me, usually inadvertently, how much easier things are for me because i look mostly white, but i don't know. you tell me how easily you'd deal with the confusion of having the legacy of a strong, independent filipino woman and a lazy, racist southern man. but i digress. it's time for work. i'll catch up with you's kids later

PS. WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE FIND MY FUCKING AIRLINE TICKET VOUCHER. thank you.