today is a very trying day.
a. i need to go to my doctor about my medication, i should not be having seizures but i have no health insurance and barely any money
b. the anniversery of my cousin getting murdered is this month, then in december it'll be a year since my grandmother passed away. & i keep having dreams about my other friend that died a couple years ago... i can't believe it's been almost 2 years.
c. i called my friend, and she broke down crying ... the one who sent me the really sweet email ... and i don't know, i just have a really bad feeling. she's been talking about killing herself a lot lately, and she's like me, she thinks its punk thing to do and very selfish, so i feel ok leaving her alone for that reason... but she just gets so wrapped up in her head... attempting to sleep last night she took a lot of tranquilizers and passed out. i'm just afraid she's going to do something like that on accident and the repercussions be irreversible. ...
d. and in my trying to be a great friend to everyone else i neglect myself. i'm feeling total exhaustion and silly me, i've been trying to take myself off of my medicine because i hate it and so when i do that i sit in my room in the dark crying and praying that i don't do anything stupid, like take too many tranquilizers. why are the blind always leading the blind?
e. i'm also really wanting to be in love, just in love. i'm not lonely, i don't necessarily need a partner - that's always what it's been about in the past, needing or thinking someone else will fill some sort of void - but i just want to think that another person is amazing and share the rest of my life with them. a partner in crime, so to speak. i knew i was going to feel this way last night, even when i was drunk, when i saw john with his fancy new girl. i hate being a sentimental fuck. and then gabe had to make an entry about exactly that. i hate you. ok not really.
f. and the boy i was seeing in philly is just ... making things hard. i don't want to think about liking him at all. i wish i hated him, but i don't.
g. my moms cat pissed on my favorite shoes. ok that happened a few days ago, but what shoes do i wear now when i want to be 2 feet taller?
h. and it just is.
oh well,
i spent time with ruda and my mom last night. that was fun. i wrastled with john but i think he won. i have bruises. i made a fun game out of dealing with people at the bar. i can't leak it because it's top secret.
well, at least i can laugh at my 2 am deep, drunk thought. beds really are better when they're not slept in the right way.
it's not really bad, i'm alive. things are decent ... i just get in these horrible depressive modes. and i hate them.
i think i should go to target. target is a giant building of uppers.
oh, new pictures. mostly courtesy of the ruda.
have a good week.
a. i need to go to my doctor about my medication, i should not be having seizures but i have no health insurance and barely any money
b. the anniversery of my cousin getting murdered is this month, then in december it'll be a year since my grandmother passed away. & i keep having dreams about my other friend that died a couple years ago... i can't believe it's been almost 2 years.
c. i called my friend, and she broke down crying ... the one who sent me the really sweet email ... and i don't know, i just have a really bad feeling. she's been talking about killing herself a lot lately, and she's like me, she thinks its punk thing to do and very selfish, so i feel ok leaving her alone for that reason... but she just gets so wrapped up in her head... attempting to sleep last night she took a lot of tranquilizers and passed out. i'm just afraid she's going to do something like that on accident and the repercussions be irreversible. ...
d. and in my trying to be a great friend to everyone else i neglect myself. i'm feeling total exhaustion and silly me, i've been trying to take myself off of my medicine because i hate it and so when i do that i sit in my room in the dark crying and praying that i don't do anything stupid, like take too many tranquilizers. why are the blind always leading the blind?
e. i'm also really wanting to be in love, just in love. i'm not lonely, i don't necessarily need a partner - that's always what it's been about in the past, needing or thinking someone else will fill some sort of void - but i just want to think that another person is amazing and share the rest of my life with them. a partner in crime, so to speak. i knew i was going to feel this way last night, even when i was drunk, when i saw john with his fancy new girl. i hate being a sentimental fuck. and then gabe had to make an entry about exactly that. i hate you. ok not really.
f. and the boy i was seeing in philly is just ... making things hard. i don't want to think about liking him at all. i wish i hated him, but i don't.
g. my moms cat pissed on my favorite shoes. ok that happened a few days ago, but what shoes do i wear now when i want to be 2 feet taller?
h. and it just is.
oh well,
i spent time with ruda and my mom last night. that was fun. i wrastled with john but i think he won. i have bruises. i made a fun game out of dealing with people at the bar. i can't leak it because it's top secret.
well, at least i can laugh at my 2 am deep, drunk thought. beds really are better when they're not slept in the right way.
it's not really bad, i'm alive. things are decent ... i just get in these horrible depressive modes. and i hate them.
i think i should go to target. target is a giant building of uppers.
oh, new pictures. mostly courtesy of the ruda.
have a good week.
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i ran today, 3 miles, it was wonderful...except that part where the treadmill stopped suddenly and i almost flew off.
hmmm, i sure could use some booty...