saturn1

i don't know how to feel about today.

ultimately it's draining because i've been able to seperate my feelings from the politic of it all and just focus on the non-emotional side of everything. but it's sort weird today because it brings back all the feelings and experiences of that day. i don't know why, i suppose because it's in everyone elses minds. it's on tv, at school, at work. just sort of everywhere.

the thing that bothers me the most is remembering watching it on tv as it was happening, unedited. i remember after i watched the second plane hit i could start to hear the panic in people's voices as they realized that their lives were in danger. it was a surreal feeling, shock, when i saw two people, holding hands, jumping from one of the towers because they were going to burn. they knew they were going to die. and i don't think i can imagine choosing which way i am going to die. i can't imagine holding someone elses hand and just, jumping.

i'm not an patriotic person. i don't think this country is the best. i don't think any country is the 'best.' but i do live here and people are trying to live just as i am. some are arrogant, ignorant fucks. most are just people trying to figure life out and survive like the rest. no one deserves the choice of how to die.

& then when the buildings started coming down the cameras were still on, did anyone catch that? there's nothing quite like sitting in your living room watching people, live, running for their lives. it just felt so bad.

i guess after the towers fell and when i saw people and cars and the city in dust it occured to me that a lot of my loved ones were there. my best friend was in between his home in jersey and his school in long island and tons of errands and internships in manhattan. i knew he could be there. the next two days were a panic. like a constant, 48 hour panic. i couldn't get through to anyone in new york or jersey. it was a fucked up feeling, and helplessness is never quite justified by its word.

i haven't really thought about any of that. and i still don't know how i feel. my relief when i found out that my best friend was ok feels sort of stupid now, after his sister got killed in march. a lot of people have told me that they love me today. it really just comes down to that. nothing is permanent and nothing is guaranteed. that i can understand. the pain that some people have to endure, i'm not sure i grasp that yet.

but, all the same, i guess we get the good shit too. i've met some amazing people since my girl got killed. is the world really that small? is it really that much of a give and take? does something always have to be taken to recieve?

i dunno. i do know that every interaction i have with every person in my life is appreciated and loved, x1000.small ones, big ones, with people i barely know and family. all of it.