saturn1

it seems that when you're preoccupied with a lot of shit in your life, something that's kind of fucked up & that is really important to you gets threatened or taken away. perhaps it's a result of neglecting things at home, or not having patience with my grandmother, but she lost my cat and i still have not found her and i have even less patience.

after listening to her ramble on all week {in front of my mother} about how she wished she never had kids because they ruined her life, and dealing with her being a fucked up person in general to my whole family who has gone out of our way to help her, when she's done nada and is mentally able to understand her actions and words {how's the a run on sentence. hahahahahaa i'm not not a journalism major anymore kiss my add sentence structure!} ...but after all that i just don't have it in my to care about what i may say if i don't find this cat. the cat has been with me through some really hard times and has given me a sense of refuge from people and life. she's been a good cat damnit. so thinking of something happening to her is really depressing. i suppose at times people {certainly me} get more attached to animals than a lot of people because of possible fallacy we carry that they don't err us like people do & are the last loyal things on earth.

either way i've been struggling with my weaknesses for the past few days. i've been oblivious to a lot of things. i feel like i'm snapped back into a reality i have little to no control over. and i still haven't come to terms with my motherfuckin ugliness enough to feel as though i'm treating people as i should.


it's just one big assed circle of absurd episodes. funny a lot of the time but not when my cat is lost.