Forgive me for sounding far out and extreme, but I think it is reasonable to expect each and every day to have its own unique texture, a feel: a way that it touches that will affect you for better or for worse. Today has such a coarse, abrasive feel I cannot bear to stand it. I wish I had the courage to push it away, to sit up straight and to face this feeling with every inch of my soul and push it back, to triumph with my thoughts.
However, from where am I to draw this energy? Certainly not from within a soul so defeated.
The issue namely lies here: The battle of logic versus the tactile. While I can sit and think of the people who love me, need me, want to be near me, I can think of many names. However when I try to think of those within my reach who might fall under these categories, the list comes up lacking. For those who need me inspire revolt within me, as I systematically and unavoidably distance myself from everything I want. It is not that I'm unlovable, it is that I do not accept the love of others: I am seemingly content to be alone and thus I shall be that way until I change my decision.
*cry*
I want to curl up and stab myself in the chest. I want to watch the blood trickle down my wrists and see the crimson puddles grow. I want to drown myself in pills and drugs until I'm no longer aware of my surroundings. But most of all, I just fucking want to go home.
To be a hell of a lot more brief:
Iyafenkia: what?
Iyafenkia: vent
Iyafenkia: i command you
KittensRevenge41: I hate being so far away from home.
KittensRevenge41: I hate being away from the people I love.
KittensRevenge41: I hate not having people around me that I feel really comfortable with being myself.
KittensRevenge41: I hate the feelings of regret and remorse that I constantly find myself wallowing in.
KittensRevenge41: I hate the way I let drugs control my life.
KittensRevenge41: I hate the way I look in the mirror.
KittensRevenge41: I can't stand the sound of my own voice.
KittensRevenge41: I'm nothing, not worth anything, and I'm scared of what I may become or what I missed becoming.
KittensRevenge41: I want to cry all the time and I don't know why.
However, from where am I to draw this energy? Certainly not from within a soul so defeated.
The issue namely lies here: The battle of logic versus the tactile. While I can sit and think of the people who love me, need me, want to be near me, I can think of many names. However when I try to think of those within my reach who might fall under these categories, the list comes up lacking. For those who need me inspire revolt within me, as I systematically and unavoidably distance myself from everything I want. It is not that I'm unlovable, it is that I do not accept the love of others: I am seemingly content to be alone and thus I shall be that way until I change my decision.
*cry*
I want to curl up and stab myself in the chest. I want to watch the blood trickle down my wrists and see the crimson puddles grow. I want to drown myself in pills and drugs until I'm no longer aware of my surroundings. But most of all, I just fucking want to go home.
To be a hell of a lot more brief:
Iyafenkia: what?
Iyafenkia: vent
Iyafenkia: i command you
KittensRevenge41: I hate being so far away from home.
KittensRevenge41: I hate being away from the people I love.
KittensRevenge41: I hate not having people around me that I feel really comfortable with being myself.
KittensRevenge41: I hate the feelings of regret and remorse that I constantly find myself wallowing in.
KittensRevenge41: I hate the way I let drugs control my life.
KittensRevenge41: I hate the way I look in the mirror.
KittensRevenge41: I can't stand the sound of my own voice.
KittensRevenge41: I'm nothing, not worth anything, and I'm scared of what I may become or what I missed becoming.
KittensRevenge41: I want to cry all the time and I don't know why.
First of all... you're an amazing writer. You have a way with words that made me have to catch my breath like nothing I've read in a long time. Wow.
Second... Some of the things you said hit so close to home, I could never be able to explain it.
I'm glad we bumped into each other.
What is this (life ) all about? When will the answers materialize?
Anyway, Hope you are well, Matias