satansangel

so I didn't go out thursday night, but did go out on Friday night, where I did not leave until 8:00 in the morning.... I was a bad girl and I enjoyed every bit of it. Well to be honest it was a little weird, I felt like I was 17 again trying to figure out how it all works. Little awkward. I mean let's be honest here it's been 4 years since I've been with a guy. and fucking a man is nothing like sex with a woman. I think I remember sex in general being more fun than what it was. but I think I can chalk most of that up to being nervous and not as confident as I used to be. I was definitely self conscious, it has been so long since someone has seen me even partially naked, I really just felt exposed and while I was trying to enjoy it, I found myself thinking in the back of my head, dear god what if I suck at this, what if he's thinking holy shit she's so fat, omg have I forgotten what I'm doing.

Good news I'm not trying to see this guy or anything, at most it would become a fuck buddy situation, which I could use right now. Have him as my "training wheels" to get me back on track with this whole physical thing.

so bizarre all of this.... really I don't know what to think of it, any of it. but at the same time I"m smiling. I believe I may be conflicted. On one hand I'm like it's about time I got back into the swing of things, and on the other hand I"m absolutely terrified.