satansangel

shortly after I wrote my last post I found out my sister is pregnant. I've been wanting to start a family for the past year, and have patiently been waiting for my girlfriend to be ready, as well as for us to be in a better home before we try to have kids. When I found out my sister was preg. I was so upset, because she had just told me not even a month earlier about how she didn't want kids yet, and how she wanted to wait at least four years, and that she didn't want to be tied down by kids yet. and then bam, she's knocked up and acting all excited, and all of my family is so excited and happy. Yet when I talked to my family about wanting to have kids, I got very stern no's with all this negativity. Now my sister is pregnant, and they are all just so happy for her without a word of caution. I really struggled with being happy for her, because I felt like I am more ready, more appreciative, etc. then a few weeks later I find out that my girlfriend's sister is preg. with her 2nd child, and is only 22. I mean really, is anybody responsible anymore. So I'm again being so happy for everybody, when I just feel so left behind and hurt. I feel so strongly about having a child, and yet I am the one who has to be responsible and do the right thing, and I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of everyone around me being able to be selfish childish and irresponsible, and all they get is praise. Yet me the one who is responsible is constantly treated like a POS by family. Tonight I found out that my cousin is preg. who is about 3 months younger than me. I'm not really surprised or upset. She's a nurse, and is very mature, and is ready to have kids, that's cool. Where I'm hurt is that now, even though I'm the oldest grandchild, I will be the last to have a child. I know it sounds silly, but I have always taken for granted that I would be the first, and had it all pictured in my mind, of how awesome it would be to be the first to make my grandmother a great grandmother, and the importance that comes with being the first grandchild to my mom, and great grand child to my grandmother, and now by the time I have kids it won't be a big deal because everybody else has done it.
I have tried to explain how hard it is, and how it's hard to shake those feelings, and to just be happy. No one seems to understand. I tried to explain it to my sister, and all she did was filp it around so she could talk about herself. I feel so alone, even my girlfriend, seems to think I'm a retard. She would never tell me that, but I can tell by how she acts when I get upset over it. It's all so frustrating. When do I get to feel like I'm doing something right, and am good enough. When do I get what it is that I feel like I've worked so hard to be ready for, and have wanted for so long now. Everybody keeps telling me about how I will be a good aunt, and I want to me more than the awesome aunt, I want to be an awesome mom. I want to create, and shape this small person into something wonderful. I want it all from diapers, to soccer, to homework, to the fights, and the boyfriends/girlfriends, to when they grow up and go out on their own. I want that opportunity.
I want to not feel this way. I want to be able to just be happy, without being frustrated and sad. I'm not a jealous person, but lately, jealousy seems to be something that I struggle with. And I hate it. *sigh* hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.