satansangel

I just want to start off by saying that Jenna is incredible. Everyday gets better and better with her. Just last night we sat down and talked for a few, just kinda unloading about ourselves what we would really want to do with life if given the chance, and this that and the other. The more I get to know her the more I love her. At one point she said she didnt understand why I liked her goofy redneck ass. I kindly reminded her that she wasnt goofy. She acted like she really didnt understand why I like her. Because she claims that she has no motivation, and she sees me as this person who has motivation, towards education and bla bla bla. I explained to her that I would love to be her in so many ways. I wish that I could be satisfied with a job that requires no education, and be content to just live. but due to this imprinted upbringing, i've been brainwashed into believing that education is the only way you'll become something worth anything. And as much as I have tried to fight it, I find myself needing to complete college just to feel validated as a person. I explained to her that if i had the choice I would disapear into the middle of nowhere and live my life on a farm raising a small amount of sheep and what not. Simple living is all i really want. but you cant really achieve that anymore unless your born into a shit ton of money, or get lucky somehow. I really think our conversation last night was a huge step forward in us really getting to know each other. This is truly the happiest i've been in over a year. The past year and a half has been hell, I was in a relationship, that made me more upset, and angry than happy, I was with someone who did nothing for my self esteem, and most of the time made me feel less than intelligent. Though here is where things suffer, because even though that person was so bad for me I miss her so bad some days that I almost want to call her and try to make things work on a friend level. I know i wont and that it will never happen. But robyn and I had a relationship that I thought I would never have with someone, we were so close and so connected that it was insane, and sometimes I think I doubt Jenna and mine's relationship because it doesnt have the closeness that robyn and i did. But i have to constantly remind myself that it just takes time, and that if i'm patient someday jenna and i will reach that point. but sometimes it makes me feel like maybe our relationship isnt as good as what i think it is. I know I'm just being silly, but these are the self doubts that i deal with. Plus jenna is still really close friends with her ex, and that bothers me sometimes. Like she just came back from the beach, where she stayed with her ex, and given they are just friends, and given they both recognize that they cant make things work in a relationship i worried. I worried once she got back that maybe something did happen. and i had to fight to push those thoughts out of my head. thankfully without me saying anything, jenna let me know how much she missed me. as we layed curled up together the first night back, and she wrapped her arm around me and whispered in my ear, that this is what she had missed the most. I think I'm just being over emotional and silly because of pms, but i feel the need to ramble for a while and this is me doing it. I'm going to stop for a few, and do something productive, like shower and get ready for work. I hope all is well with everybody. and soon i will have new pics i promise!