satanis7

This is something I wrote in 2007.

I'm putting it here to remind me where I've been.



Dear Grandma,

I haven't had time yet to give much thought to your death, aside from the day where I went to your grave, as well as a couple times during therapy. The thought of me missing your funeral brings tears to my eyes, even just talking about you being gone brings a waterworks to my eyes. Right now, I'm presently in class, so I'm attempting to hold that back, which I've become pretty good at these days.

First, I'd like to apologize. Not only did I miss your service due to a completely ridiculous situation, but I was also unable to be there for you as much as I would've liked during your last days. I was without a car, and a complete emotional mess. Death and suicide were constantly on my mind, and most of my feelings were so painful that they actually translated to physical pain. I felt so disabled and unable to health, and I feel terribly guilty for being so self-centered during that time. I found my escape in the old family use of alcohol. The days, even now, are such a blur to me. Thinking back on them I can't even believe that I was at that point. It just seems like a bad dream. I went to a place I had been before, but on a much deeper level. I opened myself up to someone and that was all I cared about. I couldn't care about anything else. I invested everything I had into a situation which has ultimately failed. I feel so foolish for believing the things I believed, but I know you too believed in me and Leslie.

I am so very appreciative of everything you gave me over the years. Though I was never able to vocalize this in real life, I'm sure you understood that I felt you to be more of a parent figure than both of my parents. I'm sorry for the times I was rude and/or mean to you, my adolescence was very troubled, and filled with many behaviors unbecoming of me, many of which I do not necessarily regret, but that I wish I could change. So often during that time, I felt myself to be a horrible person. I was rude to people, I was controlling, and I enjoyed the destruction of others. It made me feel in control of my life in ways that I really wasn't. I couldn't control my home situation, I couldn't control my parents, I couldn't stop my mom from drinking, I couldn't stop Erin from leaving me, I couldn't prevent myself from being raped, I couldn't stop people for disliking me for my attitudes, and I couldn't even focus on my goals. It wasn't until later in that time period that I was finally able to get my act together, but it was all done with the assistance of a prescribed drug. I went through college for a time without using it, and I seemed to do just fine, but now I find myself needing it again because I am out of control with this current situation.

I wish so much that I could have a conversation with you. I miss sitting there just telling stories and smoking cigarettes over coffee and tea. Those are some of my fondest memories, because you always made me feel so special during those times. I felt like what we had was like nothing else in the world, and now I am pained to realize that those times are past, and now just memories.

Forgive me, I will finish this letter later. I need to let some serious emotions in regards to this out, and this is not the venue for that.

Ok... I'm home now. It's time for me to let my emotion out. I'll have to listen to a sad song for this, because it seems that more often than not I have to push myself. I just composed a list of songs to help me feel these feelings... I've put so much of a block on them lately that it's hard to let them out.

The sad thing is that the majority of these songs remind me of my relationship with Leslie. I'll admit to you now that when I lost her, I lost my way in life. I felt like everything had ended in my world, and I didn't want to keep going. This life has seemed so painful in so many ways, and most of the people who know it deep down just deny it and replace real memories with something happier. I really thought I was going to be spending the rest of my life with her. I really thought we would make it through anything. You and I both knew these things were coming, but you told me I'd make it, that me and her would make it, but we didn't. I never knew you helped pay for the engagement ring until after you were gone. I wish I had gotten a chance to say thank you for that.

I feel so pathetic. I let myself become someone's bitch when you always told me I was so strong. I never realized that love would be my greatest weakness. I never loved many people in my life. I loved you, because you were representative of survival, of persistence. You lost 2 of your daughters and your husband before you passed. Sometimes I wish my mother had gone before you, that you would have stuck around to see my graduate, to see me get married. I know now you'll never get to see my children, I'll never get that hug that also made me feel so safe when I finally finish up with my degree.

It hurt grandma, it hurts so badly, and I'm so afraid. I'll keep walking because I promised you I always would. I don't want to though, I just want to give up and crawl into some grave somewhere. I don't know if I can trust anyone anymore because of how deeply all of this has wounded me. You were always such a pillar of strength, and I've wanted so badly to follow in those footsteps, but I find myself kneeling in the darkness, holding my chest in pain. Sometimes it feels like every part of me is being ripped up. I put up this facade.of strength. I've sat there so many times and told people I'm doing just fine so they don't worry about me. But the truth is, I tried to end my life in so many ways. I didn't want to continue. I don't know what to do. I used to know so much, and now I know nothing at all. I hear all these people I respect so much tell me that I'm destined for greatness, but must that arise out of suffering?

I want to look at myself in the mirror and slap myself silly for being so weak. Although I have wished for death and made so many attempts on my life, but I've always been so afraid to die. I've felt my consciousness fade, and every time I have fought my way out of sinking into the blackness of death. I didn't come back for anyone but myself, out of fear. There was a bit of hope each time, that maybe things would get better, that the life we had hoped for would somehow return. But they won't, they haven't, I've just been hoping in vain.

I feel like nobody around me can really give me an accurate vision of what's going on. There are those who have been helpful, therapy has been therapeutic, some friends have been great. I'm no hero though. It doesn't matter if I pulled someone out of a fire in some strange situation, I'll still just be what I am now, a wraith, a ghost. When I hear pianos I find myself floating wherever I am, I don't know if I'm a hollow shell, or just lacking a soul. I suppose maybe I sold it too many times, but I never got what I wanted. Maybe it's just that I've always been selfish... Something is certainly not right with me, and I just can't out my finger on me.

I don't know grandma. I hope you'd understand all of this, and I'm sorry for unloading. I hope you are truly at rest and in a place of happiness. I'd love to think you're smiling down on me.

Thank you for everything.

Love,

Tim



haha... and another I wrote... I think it's beautiful



This letter comes word for word from a dream I had. Friday night I went to bed at 2:30 am, and didn't wake up until it was 7 pm the next day. The sequence of events that followed me waking up feel far too deep for this to be just a random coincidence. I can't share details on here.

I remember the crisp feel of the paper, the insignia on the bottom, and the music playing in the background... So here it is... I can't help but write it.

April 18th, 0000

TSX738456
Transmission Test 1
Subject 7-9-85 - X3729BAT
Commence Transmission Sequence

Dear Tim,

I hope this message receives you in good health. I know you don't know who this might be from, or how this message is presenting itself in your subconscious, but let's just say, in the future we've found out methods of sending back data in time through genetic manipulation.

At this point in your life, you have been labeled due to a mistake. Soon enough, everyone will be labeled, so don't think too terribly much of it. You'll still be able to continue on in your future, things are just going to be more difficult. I know because I know you now, though I have not told you that I am involved in the groups sending these messages. But now you know, so I suspect the you I know now will know this is, at the very least, being sent, though I doubt you'll know from who. Just know that I am close, and that I love you. Don't give up right now, though you don't know me yet, soon enough you will, and your life is wonderful, with someone who loves you more than anyone ever has.

The world we live in now is a world where people are becoming increasingly ignorant of what's going on around them. So freely, people sign away their civil liberties by allowing the government to take away your rights. Very soon in the near future for you, what is now our passed, legislation will be passed which makes the type of data I am sending a sort of modern-day heresy, a crime punishable as the highest events. Murder, abuse, rape, all of those do not take priority compared to speaking out against the government. I know this may seem hard to believe, but you would not believe some of the things happening now.

As someone who studied biology (and still has a wonderfully keen understanding of the science, which, when combined with your work in psychology, has contributed to a deeper understanding of the world and humans) you have known for some time now that the inevitability of a genomic sequence (a virus), quite possibly embedded in the human genome from long ago, is somewhere out there, and that is is lethal to nearly 75-90% of the population. Government labs which exist right now have been testing the virus for years, especially looking into its effects as a biological weapon.

Very soon, there will be incidents in which there are large scale deaths at certain events, which will be explained away by the media as "accidents". In reality, these are events which I myself participated in, they were testing sites chosen by a new department within the government (and thusly deemed appropriate sites due to them being events related to ideas which resist "moral" standards which oppose the government's view) to see exactly what activation of the virus might cause. The results were similar to the ebola virus' effects on humans, causing profuse bleeding from all orfices, resulting in death by exsanguination. The virus is not contagious, which makes it a great weapon to be used.

Essentially, the virus is activated by the release of an airborne agent (typically through a gas chamber or ventilation system in an area where the opposition meets) which has a very short half-life (typically about 5 minutes), allowing it to disperse in an area quickly, and allowing for the entrance of cleanup crews who do not need to wear hazmat suits (allowing "cleanup" operations to progress smoothly). These test sites are usually burned down or demolished via the use of potassium bombs.

Those of us working with the resistance are small. If any of us are caught, we are either terminated or, if we are agents of the government, we are dosed with a new drug used to either induce psychosis, or change us into drone-like slaves. If I am caught sending this, I will likely be drugged and placed into a re-education camp. I don't know if I will or not, but I hope I won't... It's dangerous, but this is worth it to me if it helps you.

I don't know what this letter will do. I don't know if it might stop this from happening, or merely help to save someone I care dearly for from needless pain and worry. Tears are slowly welling up in my eyes as I get ready to inject this message into your bloodstream... I can't bear to think that this might hurt you, and I can only imagine how it might affect your feelings after you get the message. A part of me hopes you never meet me, but my heart thinks otherwise. It's not because we don't have something wonderful, but because it might put you at risk for elimination.

You are such a wonderful person, and you have been through so much. You learned well from your mistakes, but sometimes you were too hesitant to be open with me. I was so frustrated, but in the end, that frustration made me care about you so much more. You've never sacrificed your integrity.

I remember when I first met you how intrigued I was, because I was so used to people putting on this facade. So many of the events in your life seemed so surreal, and I didn't believe a lot of it, but when I pried deeper, I found it all to be so disturbingly true. I thought to myself, how could someone like this exist? Why hasn't he given up?

You have showed me so many beautiful things in a world I was convinced had no beauty. Yeah, you were cynical as hell, you don't take any shit from anyone, and your emotions are stronger than anyone I have ever known. You were so damn abrasive until I got to know the inner you, where I found such a beautiful spirit. A spirit which captivated me to the very core, one I knew would never abandon me no matter what happened... one that loved me forever for who I was, not for who I had been or how I presented myself to be.

I am so happy you're in my life. You complete me in ways nobody else has, and you've told me you felt the same way. You talked about experiences where you felt like this before, but you know now those were just previews of what was yet to come.

I know it's hard for you right now. I remember seeing you cry only once, and that was when you told me about what you're going through right now. I just wanted to hold you and disappear to some place where we would never have to think about anything but our own happiness. Our own little world.

You make me smile so much, you're so damn funny and other people just don't get the jokes you're playing. They take it too seriously, or don't take you seriously enough. You're so damn introverted, but you're also charismatic as hell. I can't bear to think of losing you, of something happening to you. I would lose my mind, I would lose my heart, and I don't think I could live. My tears are hitting the paper I'm getting ready to scan, making little splotches, while you sleep just in the other room.

You look so peaceful when you sleep... It's where you're most guarded, and also at your weakness. So often I lay there just listening to you breathe, and on the times you do wake up, you look so deep into my eyes (your eyes have always had a strange quality to them, when they dilate, I can tell that you're looking into my very soul, and when I stare at them, they change colors so often... those eyes speak so many words... those eyes hold me to you, they make love to me in the deepest of ways) and tell me you love me, pulling me closer before you drift away. You're so dedicated to your work, but yet you always find time for me and your friends. It amazes me so much how creative you are. You have the most wonderful imagination... and yet you're able to have common sense, and integrate your dreams into reality. Outside you look so guarded, always wearing black or other dark colors, your short hair, your boots, your tattoos, the way you hold yourself... I never would have thought that there was this wonderful and amazing person beneath all that. I never understood why you did that until I knew the pain you've felt. I just want to tell you it's okay, right now, because although you still look that way here in the future, you'll get better at making friends.

You're working so hard to change right now. You feel like you've committed so many horrible acts, but those were all learning experiences. It isn't all your fault. Things get better from here on out, I promise. Just relax, stop looking, and create. Make art, get into graduate school... you know what I'm talking about.

My god, I hope this gets to you. I can't save us from this... The future can't be controlled by sending things into the past. But maybe it will help you know what's coming... the good and the bad. Hopefully you will know that I'm out there, just waiting to find you, and I'll be seeing you soon.

I love you. I always have, and I always will. I'll see you soon darling, and when our lips finally meet, you'll know you've been wrong all along. Just be open to it.

Stay strong.

Love,

.......

P.S. These will make more sense in time... Just keep an open mind.

Shame on us
Doomed from the start
May God have mercy
On our dirty little hearts
Shame on us
For all we've done
And all we ever were
Just zeros and ones


---end transmission---
code 26938B