So new blog time. (This is actually the 3rd time I've written this cause it keeps breaking 
boo hiss)
Chris is still a wanker. I loved that boy, I really did but part of me despises him now. Not just despising his recent actions, but him as a person. There were so many traits I hated that I totally forgave him for and overlooked because I loved him so much. And I think the love has gone and all that's left are those traits. And it's damn difficult to remember any good times when all I can think about is how hurtful and nasty he can be. People asked me why I stayed with him when he hurt me so much and didn't treat me right. Maybe that's the very reason. Maybe he was my self-harm. He certainly hurt me enough to be. I guess it was kind of comforting knowing he was hurting me and it meant I didn't have to hurt myself anymore.
I went to a new psychiatrist yesterday for the first time. I hate admitting things. Her first question was "what are you finding difficult at the moment?". My first answer was everything, but apparently this wasn't enough to fill an hour and I had to expand upon it. I had to admit all the things I don't tell anyone, because when they know they use it against you. She threw around some labels like schizophrenia and DID, and made me cry. I can imagine how happy chris will be if I get told I have schizophrenia. It will go along with his theory that he is perfect and that I should be locked away.
I think the song happy ending by avril lavigne sums it up quite well.
Anyway, there is a positive to this post.
I saw my wonderful wonderful friend. Yes the one from earlier posts, the one I may have had sex with a few times. Very good sex. The best sex ever. We didn't yesterday, but because of nature rather than a lack of wanting to from either party. I did get to do my second favourite activity for him twice, which apparently he enjoyed rather a lot
And we watched tv, and it was so relaxing and chilled out. He made me supper, and didn't force me to finish all of it. It was lovely. His house is the only house I haven't been sick in. Of any house I've ever been to. And I never once wanted to. He listened to all the things I'd told the psych and didn't bat an eyelid, didn't tell me I was crazy, or messed up or broken. In fact, he said that I didn't need fixing because I'm not broken. Then he held me in his arms and let me cry. He stroked my hair and everything felt like it was okay again. I've never felt so safe in anybody's arms. He tells me he isn't nice, that he's selfish and slightly psychopathic, but I don't see it. He really is lovely. He just likes to hide himself, protect himself, and push all the emotions so deep down that they're locked away where nobody can touch them. I know, because I used to be the same, I can see it in his eyes he hides a lot. Him telling me he isn't a nice person is a self defence mechanism, and it's a damn good one. Keeping people at arms length is safe way of keeping yourself safe. He just needs to let go a bit, I don't want to see him hurting himself any more than I want to see him hurt at all. It's weird, but I really do care about him, I worry about him. I don't want him hurt.
Oh, also, I may have taken mephedrone again the past couple of days. Tuesday night didn't go to sleep at all. Had taken about 700mg in 6 hours and spent the day wandering around on a cloud. Perhaps it's why the psych wasn't quite as scary as she would normally have been. But I love that stuff. Calms me down and speeds me up at the same time. I get so chatty and friendly and I trust people. I was with friends so it was all fine. I know I shouldn't take them, and I won't very often. But it's just nice to feel free and calm and happy and care free sometimes. And really, nothing compares to mephedrone for that. Oh, it may also have made me sing. A lot. ahahaha. The other guys with me decided I have a good singing voice. I've never heard that before so it made me laugh. I promised my wonderful friend that I'd be careful with it though. And I really don't make promises very often. But I think this one is achievable, and sensible, so I made it.
Just over a week left of this stupid job left. It's money though which is good. I like money. Not that I really get to spend any of it; it'll go straight on rent and shit. Eughs. I discussed doing porn with my wonderful friend. I don't mean us doing porn together, but that we discussed me doing it. He didn't flip out, or go crazy and say I was stupid or disgusting which was reassuring. I think I might though, even if only once, just to try it. Or I'll get old and regret not knowing what it was like.
Anyway, mixed week so far. I think I'm over Chris totally. I still cry about it occasionally but I think it's because I worry about him a lot; I worry there's nobody to take care of him, remind him to take his pills, to cook for him and do his washing. I miss being around him. Watching tv, laughing and stuff. But I don't think I love him anymore. I also don't think he's capable of love like most people are. I don't think he knows what it is. Because if he did, he wouldn't have thrown it away so quickly.
But the best news of the week, is that I finally made my wonderful friend agree to watch twilight ahaha I wouldn't say the agreement was a choice for him but there we go He's the best person I know, the one I trust most, the one who is safe. He's also the best in bed 
Love you all x x x
boo hiss)
Chris is still a wanker. I loved that boy, I really did but part of me despises him now. Not just despising his recent actions, but him as a person. There were so many traits I hated that I totally forgave him for and overlooked because I loved him so much. And I think the love has gone and all that's left are those traits. And it's damn difficult to remember any good times when all I can think about is how hurtful and nasty he can be. People asked me why I stayed with him when he hurt me so much and didn't treat me right. Maybe that's the very reason. Maybe he was my self-harm. He certainly hurt me enough to be. I guess it was kind of comforting knowing he was hurting me and it meant I didn't have to hurt myself anymore.
I went to a new psychiatrist yesterday for the first time. I hate admitting things. Her first question was "what are you finding difficult at the moment?". My first answer was everything, but apparently this wasn't enough to fill an hour and I had to expand upon it. I had to admit all the things I don't tell anyone, because when they know they use it against you. She threw around some labels like schizophrenia and DID, and made me cry. I can imagine how happy chris will be if I get told I have schizophrenia. It will go along with his theory that he is perfect and that I should be locked away.
I think the song happy ending by avril lavigne sums it up quite well.
Anyway, there is a positive to this post.
I saw my wonderful wonderful friend. Yes the one from earlier posts, the one I may have had sex with a few times. Very good sex. The best sex ever. We didn't yesterday, but because of nature rather than a lack of wanting to from either party. I did get to do my second favourite activity for him twice, which apparently he enjoyed rather a lot
And we watched tv, and it was so relaxing and chilled out. He made me supper, and didn't force me to finish all of it. It was lovely. His house is the only house I haven't been sick in. Of any house I've ever been to. And I never once wanted to. He listened to all the things I'd told the psych and didn't bat an eyelid, didn't tell me I was crazy, or messed up or broken. In fact, he said that I didn't need fixing because I'm not broken. Then he held me in his arms and let me cry. He stroked my hair and everything felt like it was okay again. I've never felt so safe in anybody's arms. He tells me he isn't nice, that he's selfish and slightly psychopathic, but I don't see it. He really is lovely. He just likes to hide himself, protect himself, and push all the emotions so deep down that they're locked away where nobody can touch them. I know, because I used to be the same, I can see it in his eyes he hides a lot. Him telling me he isn't a nice person is a self defence mechanism, and it's a damn good one. Keeping people at arms length is safe way of keeping yourself safe. He just needs to let go a bit, I don't want to see him hurting himself any more than I want to see him hurt at all. It's weird, but I really do care about him, I worry about him. I don't want him hurt.
Oh, also, I may have taken mephedrone again the past couple of days. Tuesday night didn't go to sleep at all. Had taken about 700mg in 6 hours and spent the day wandering around on a cloud. Perhaps it's why the psych wasn't quite as scary as she would normally have been. But I love that stuff. Calms me down and speeds me up at the same time. I get so chatty and friendly and I trust people. I was with friends so it was all fine. I know I shouldn't take them, and I won't very often. But it's just nice to feel free and calm and happy and care free sometimes. And really, nothing compares to mephedrone for that. Oh, it may also have made me sing. A lot. ahahaha. The other guys with me decided I have a good singing voice. I've never heard that before so it made me laugh. I promised my wonderful friend that I'd be careful with it though. And I really don't make promises very often. But I think this one is achievable, and sensible, so I made it.
Just over a week left of this stupid job left. It's money though which is good. I like money. Not that I really get to spend any of it; it'll go straight on rent and shit. Eughs. I discussed doing porn with my wonderful friend. I don't mean us doing porn together, but that we discussed me doing it. He didn't flip out, or go crazy and say I was stupid or disgusting which was reassuring. I think I might though, even if only once, just to try it. Or I'll get old and regret not knowing what it was like.
Anyway, mixed week so far. I think I'm over Chris totally. I still cry about it occasionally but I think it's because I worry about him a lot; I worry there's nobody to take care of him, remind him to take his pills, to cook for him and do his washing. I miss being around him. Watching tv, laughing and stuff. But I don't think I love him anymore. I also don't think he's capable of love like most people are. I don't think he knows what it is. Because if he did, he wouldn't have thrown it away so quickly.
But the best news of the week, is that I finally made my wonderful friend agree to watch twilight ahaha
I wouldn't say the agreement was a choice for him but there we go He's the best person I know, the one I trust most, the one who is safe. He's also the best in bed
Love you all x x x
I would watch Twilight with you any time