I Tried!
I have behaved so badly and felt so shit the last few days. After Greg turned me out of his place (he didnt exactly, but the atmosphere was so bad and I was so ashamed I left when he went to take a bath) I called up lan, but he turned down my call (no idea whats wrong with that dude, but Im sure hes got a good excuse, hes not that childish) then Cupido, who didnt. He picked me up and took me to his new place and tried to shag me. I was just not in the bloody mood. I like hanging out with him because he makes me laugh, but weve got no chemistry whatsoever between the both of us.
Anyway, I went around all day feeling like I was the crappiest, most unworthy worm in the whole wide world. For a whole lot of reasons, but mostly because Id really hurt someone I truly cared for, and also cuz I felt like I couldnt trust my self any longer.
At about 8 pm this evening, I decided I was going to apologize properly, and whether he wanted to return forgiveness in kind, that would have been completely up to him. But I just knew I had to apologize, it wouldnt have been right for him to call me back first, since I was the one that ruined everything. And I just knew it was the right thing to do. Im sure it made him feel a lot better; I really took an effort to put something together (dont cringe. Chocolates, flowers, a card and a novel).
Whether he can ever trust me enough again, that really doesnt matter. I understand enough. Hes been such a gem I would be the worlds most cruel person to not have wished him goodbye before he left the country for a few weeks elsewhere. I dont know how these things work out, but man, I cant believe his feelings actually matter so much to me, because normally, most peoples feelings dont. And I suppose its because I dont feel what they feel; this is actually kinda different, and Im quite its a good relationship, and I couldnt allow myself to have fucked it up without trying to do what I could so at least, if nothing else works out at least I could have said I did what I could. Heh.
But hey, it taught me a very valuable lesson, one that Im not going to forget anytime soon, and Im pretty damn sure it cleared up somethings with him too. Like for instance, I am a very unreliable emotional investment.
xoxox
I have behaved so badly and felt so shit the last few days. After Greg turned me out of his place (he didnt exactly, but the atmosphere was so bad and I was so ashamed I left when he went to take a bath) I called up lan, but he turned down my call (no idea whats wrong with that dude, but Im sure hes got a good excuse, hes not that childish) then Cupido, who didnt. He picked me up and took me to his new place and tried to shag me. I was just not in the bloody mood. I like hanging out with him because he makes me laugh, but weve got no chemistry whatsoever between the both of us.
Anyway, I went around all day feeling like I was the crappiest, most unworthy worm in the whole wide world. For a whole lot of reasons, but mostly because Id really hurt someone I truly cared for, and also cuz I felt like I couldnt trust my self any longer.
At about 8 pm this evening, I decided I was going to apologize properly, and whether he wanted to return forgiveness in kind, that would have been completely up to him. But I just knew I had to apologize, it wouldnt have been right for him to call me back first, since I was the one that ruined everything. And I just knew it was the right thing to do. Im sure it made him feel a lot better; I really took an effort to put something together (dont cringe. Chocolates, flowers, a card and a novel).
Whether he can ever trust me enough again, that really doesnt matter. I understand enough. Hes been such a gem I would be the worlds most cruel person to not have wished him goodbye before he left the country for a few weeks elsewhere. I dont know how these things work out, but man, I cant believe his feelings actually matter so much to me, because normally, most peoples feelings dont. And I suppose its because I dont feel what they feel; this is actually kinda different, and Im quite its a good relationship, and I couldnt allow myself to have fucked it up without trying to do what I could so at least, if nothing else works out at least I could have said I did what I could. Heh.
But hey, it taught me a very valuable lesson, one that Im not going to forget anytime soon, and Im pretty damn sure it cleared up somethings with him too. Like for instance, I am a very unreliable emotional investment.
xoxox
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
like this; im a complete puritan. and if i have to keep my mind, and start a fight for it, i can always excuse and apologise by just saying, -but hey you know im a puritan.. i do it, but my morale says its wrong.
useless comment. but reading your journal entry made me think the way many people act.