santianna

Okay... So There.

I broke up with Ethan. It was quick, and relatively painless. But of course losing someone you like will always hurt a-bit, and Ive never actually lost anyone before (no body ever bothers to let go). I suppose, though, when things are an effort to maintain, people have to make decisions. I couldnt have wanted him to interfere in my life any longer, it was starting to feel difficult. He made me feel guilty about things I was doing, things that I know I shouldnt be feeling guilty about (and the only reason I did was because old conventional ideas you grow up with never leave you; like some kinda morality chain).

Of course nothing ever really is final, I may call him up a few months down the road, what does it matter? For now at least, we dont have to be bothered about each other, and its one less thing on my list of things I need to do. Of course I didnt mind doing it when I was doing it, I pretty much enjoy everything I do. But sometimes Id really rather just be alone, like I didnt matter and no one else did.

God, I dont know what Im talking about and I dont really care. Its over so big deal. We all get over shit in awhile.

In the meantime Ill be fixing my portfolio and thinking about hanging in Paris with Chris. And then maybe NY in June.

Oh theres ALWAYS someone else when people break-up. Or many some-one elses. And perhaps I am calculating, but in the scheme of things, Ethan just couldnt do much for me. My life has to progress, and I can do it like how just about everyone else in this damn country does it, which is to say day after day following a set standard (my classmates are all enrolling in the local universities at this point), or I can attempt to ensure its in constant motion. New experiences daily, new people, new places. And to do that, I need the people to do it with. People who can afford to do so for me, and most of all, people that are here.

But all of that is inconsequential I suppose. Ethan and I didnt have superb chemistry, and he scared me sometimes. And he didnt feel like he sacrificed enough for me, not that I did much for him either, but I believe I was more-so. And once again, of course even that is inconsequential. What should have really mattered was that I be willing to give up an unlimited amount of things for him, just out of the fact that I loved him. Which is impossible of course. What could he give me in return?

He has a great life in Europe. Hes got rich parents, a car, and a bachelors degree without a debt. And his fathers credit card with an impossible limit. His parents can purchase his experiences for him, mine wouldnt. Not that they couldnt, they wouldnt. And in a way Im glad. Its made me into the person that I am, and its given me a chance to introduce people like Chris into my life, which I do not regret in any way and am in fact rather glad for.

xoxox