sansseraph

in a cup...

Let me preface this with a bit of Christmas Cheer.

Its nice to see every one getting along on the holidays! I love seeing people being kind to one another, and there is one christmas spirit who's been my salvation this christmas.

Thank you Emily!

Now that being said...

I absolutely positively with resolute certainty, Hate christmas, eastern, columbus day, presidents day, all the big Lumbering holidays and all there little cockroach-like cohorts like sweetest day.

Holloween is nice, and i respect veteran's day.

For the rest of it you can shove it in santa's sack and use it to cave in the easter bunny's head with a great big HO HO HO.

The minor irritations include all those fuck head that debate the religious over tones of holidays and moan about "O Holy Night" in schools. Months of christmas music. Traffic in every district that has so much as a letter opener for sale. People telling me how much they spent for christmas. The waves of assholes that tip me like shit because they just spent 2 grand on their kids "They want the most expensive stuff doncher know...".

Now i used to surround statements like these with jokes about Consumeristmas and loveing seeing hoards of yuppies fighting like hocky players over the last masterbating elmo doll or whatever piece of flashy crap this years programmable children were told to want, or even just that i wasn't religious or bitching about all the christmas music. Thse days however i just find the whole thing tiering. I don't really care what people get eachother for christmas. i don't come from a world where people can afford to get gifts that they really want anyway. (yes there is a bit o bitterness there)

yes i know it's all about getting together with the family and not really about the presents at all. (if that's true then why did people get up at 4 in the fucking morning and suit up in plate mail to draw blood over post thanksgiving teaser deals put on by corporate chains to draw you in and unload their surplus junk?) So in truth, i honestly don't care what i get for christmas or if i really get anything, there are people that i love and seeing them happy is what i really want.

and if i want that i have to go to six different houses and carefully avoid mentioning members from the other houses unless they ask about them with that sort of forced smile that says "i'm trying to be nice for the holiday but i don't really care that much" or that grin that shouts "asking this is like picking an emotional scab that would heal if i could just let it go" there are beloved family members i have seen maybe 2 or three times in 15 years because of this crap. i did indeed run from house to house on the holidays for a couple years but i can't find the energy any more. These days all i notice at family occasions are the tight expressions and drawn faces from too much care and worry. Too much of not seeing eachother and feeling bad about it.

It's this members final christmas
I couldn't afford to really buy for anyone.
i missed you.
times are tough
we've been working hard
is person X comeing?

There were two gatherings i wanted to go to this year, one got canceled and i woke up too late to make it to the other. My fault and i really wish i could have gone. Instead i called and talked to my loved ones on the phone.

What i want for christmas is not two days of forced smiles and trouble buried in turkey induced coma. The rebirth i want from easter isn't spiritual.

I want to see my loved ones happy.
I want not to see the few people i love working themselves to death.
I want my family whole again.
I want one holiday that doesn't make me want to stay home and lock the fucking door.


I wish people a merry christmas and wish FOR a merry christmas.

I'm not writeing this in self pity, i'm not asking for help or advice. I'm writeing this because i never have and it needed done.

this is my letter to santa.

merry christmas

gabriel