I just need to vent as writing a journal isn’t helping me right now, so I will be deleting this later....
As you all know I suffer really badly with my mental health. A lot of it is due to circumstances in my life which are mostly out of my control.
The last few months at home have been HORRENDOUS. I literally cannot cope here much longer although I don’t want to get into all the details, it’s just massively affecting my head, I’m constantly low and I dread coming home due to it making me low. Biggest problem is I can’t afford to move out as I’ve been lumped with a grand load of debt in my name from my ex which I can’t prove as it was done on my accounts when we were living together so had the same address 🙃 Not having my own place is also making it really hard to make content for my Snapchat and OnlyFans as I literally don’t get enough time on my own without getting grief. Which not being able to make content means I’m losing more money so it’s basically a horrible cycle I’m stuck in.
I’m so low I’m struggling to gain any motivation to do anything at all so I’ve not been to the gym in 3 months even though I know it boosts me and clears my anxiety. Which means I’ve gained weight so I’m hating my body, which I’m insecure enough about anyway. Not getting ANY modelling work booked which obviously I enjoy, it cheers me up and boosts my confidence. No one wants to work with me, so I have ZERO content to post even though I’ve done a few shoots recently they’ve not bothered to send me anything back, yet edit models they shot after me so that’s not really helping my insecurities and confidence. Exactly the same thing happened last year with a photographer. I just feel like I’m failing at everything and getting absolutely no where because I’m clearly not as good as I thought I was.
I just desperately want something good to happen.
Losing friends/people I’ve got close to, which always happens when I finally let people in. Another huge trigger to my depression. I’m sick of getting picked up and dropped all the damn time like I’m some sort of toy with no feelings. Friends only contacting you when they want something, yet ignore your messages calling out for help yet expect you to answer them when they need help with the smallest of things.... yet being the person you are you help anyway without question.
On top of all of this, earlier this week was my Dads birthday, which I always struggle with seeing as I never really got over his death. My treatment for my illness is also due so I feel horrendous the week before but work has been really busy so I’m beyond drained which caused me to throw up and almost faint at work. The last 2 days I’ve felt faint constantly and can’t stop shaking which obviously being a hairdresser and on my feet all day isn’t helping 🙄🙈
I desperately wish I could afford a getaway but it’s out the question now I have my puppy Honey whilst living at home, get enough shit for being away for a shoot overnight, let alone a holiday. I just need a break away. I need off this island with all the negativity. I just want out now as it’s getting harder and harder to ignore the negative bad thoughts in my head.
Sorry for venting, will delete later 💕
