Some mornings I wake up with a heavy pressure. It feels like a balloon is inflating behind my left eye and wants to push it's way out. My vision is blurred. Just a little bit.
But it could be worse.
Then I drive to work. The pressure grows. I get a stabbing pain in my temples. My throat starts to close. My stomach starts to churn.
But it could be worse.
I get to work. I look fine. I feel functional. I do my job. I'm here. I'm okay. The lights are bright. The music is loud. It's really not bad yet.
I make it through my day, the hours building. The pain growing. My stomach boils. I have to excuse myself.
But it could be worse.
I start to shake. You can't see it. That doesn't matter. I feel it. I say "I'm getting sick" and leave early. I look fine, but in the parking lot, I lose it. Right there, next to my car. At this point it's just stomach acid and water. I haven't been able to eat much today.
But it could be worse.
I sit in traffic, a white knuckle grip on my steering wheel. The glare of the sun is killing me. The shaking is worse. I'm coughing. My mouth is watering. I have a bag in my passenger side door just in case.
I get home. I'm okay. But on the really, really bad days, I collapse. I can barely take my clothes off to get back into bed. And I am so exhausted.
I have something I can take. It works sometimes. It gets me high all the time. But it makes me groggy, foggy. The medicine isn't always better than the pain.
I have something I take everyday. It helps. But the pain still finds me. It sits inside my head and eats away at my energy. Even if it doesn't over take me, it makes me so tired.
But it could be worse.
It could still be every week that I just wake up and want to die because it hurts so bad. I could be in pain all of the time... I don't even know how those that are manage it.
I am thankful that it's not worse. Excuse me while I go sleep. It's not that bad, but I am so so tired.
