sammarie

Even when things are good, things just aren't good enough.
I always find someway to fuck things up.
Sigh.
I don't know what to do with myself. I am too awkward to really function well in any sort of setting.
I always manage to say the wrong thing. I always make things more difficult for myself. No matter who I am with. No matter where I am. No matter what I do.

I can't run away from myself. And I don't even know where to begin to fix myself. I know I need help to do it.
I often am too scared to ask for it, and when I do find someone to ask... I feel ashamed because I am reminded that this is something that I need to be able to do on my own. I hear "what are you going to do when I'm not around?" I don't fucking know. I just know that it took every ounce of strength to ask. And now I am sorry that I did. Asking for help fucks things up. Not asking fucks things up.

I wish I could make sense of it all for you. But even spelling it out wouldn't really matter. No matter what it is that is "the issue at hand," it always goes the same way.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

And I am just tired of being me.
So many things in my life are great. But even they are meaningless if I can't get past this inability to have real relationships with the people around me.

I'm tired. Guys, I'm really tired.