salem13

aw..thank y'all for the well wishes back...

i'm back now...
yay....

i'll be workin' and doin' the school thing a lot...so responses..
may be sporatic...*sorry*

sort of bummed right now

sorry if my entry is kinda weird...

just got off the phone w/ my brother

he just got out of surgery yesterday
for prostate cancer & they found that he had suffered a mild heartattack..

and i just feel like the world's worst sister ever..
not really callin'...like i should...or wishin' i could do more...

i was just kinda freaked out
my dad had died of cancer
and i don't always handle things so well
or know quite what to say...

and i totally just put my foot in my mouth on the phone w/ him

like a dumbass...not knowin' what to say...and runnin' round like crzy...was like "yay...you made it ...you're still alive..." and some other dumb responses...
i ended it tellin' him i loved him...
but felt so inadequate...

he's not soundin' so hot & i'm worried

i hope i make some money this week so i can go visit him in may

since i feel like i've just been rotten...
not knowin' how to deal
i just kinda disappeared as fucked up as it sounds...

my family is so small or has lost touch...
w/ many being in europe/ family feuds etc..

when my brother & mom are gone...
it will be pretty much my sister and i left
which is weird
everyone else is dead

when i was younger it didn't really matter
cause i felt like the black sheep in my family

but now it's kinda hittin' me
that i may actually be alone & w/out family
when i'm older

which is pretty damn scarey...

though i guess my friends are my adopted family to an extent

sorry bout the morbid rant...

just bummed right now

i'm gonna prbly dance really well tonite...

sometimes the clubs are an excellent escape
and work time can't seem to come fast enough tonite.

i want to drink, dance, and forget....